Last week we brought you Part 1 of the 30 Must Follow Rules For Any Las Vegas Casino Gambler... it's now time for part 2.
16. Speak English
This rule is almost exclusively for the poker room. Speaking in a language other than English makes other players uncomfortable and helps facilitate collusion. For this reason, most rooms disallow it. Even though 70% of Las Vegans cannot speak English ... you should.
17. Gamble Only What You Can Afford to Lose
When I leave home with X amount for a gaming session, I consider that money gone as soon as I lock the door behind me. I do not take a single penny to a casino that would cause me any hardship to lose. Losing puts me in a bad mood and it gets me annoyed, but it never makes me unable to pay for a necessity. When I have a nice win, I treat myself to a nice dinner, gadget, or buy little gifts for others. The money is disposable, and it is earmarked for entertainment every bit as much as a concert ticket or dinner reservation. Of course, I try to get the biggest bang for my buck when I gamble, and the better I do the more fun I have ... but I am never under the illusion that gambling is a good investment.
18. Don't Fight/Argue
For Christ's sake, you're not in High School anymore. I can't think of anything more idiotic than grown men threatening each other. No matter how cool and badass you think it looks, the reality is that you just look like a stupid douche with poor self-control. If you are willing to spend a night in the Clark County Detention Center to teach some stranger a lesson, then I submit that you have absolutely no life. I don't give a damn what people say about me at the table, or anywhere else for that matter. I simply don't care enough about most people to give them any level of control over my emotions. If anything, I find it amusing and somewhat flattering that they would care enough about me to formulate such strong opinions. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. If someone tries to get under your skin, there is no bigger insult than simply not giving a damn. If you allow yourself to be baited into arguments and altercations, then you have self-esteem issues that should be addressed before hoppingon a plane to Vegas.
19. Don't Fart at the GamingTable
Honestly, this one should go without saying, but you would be astonished by the number of times a lethal cloud hangs over the table as everyone struggles to ignore the fact that someone unleashed a weapon of mass destruction, singeing the nose hair of everyone within a 15 foot radius. Please ... just .... don't.
20. Don't Bet The Favorite
This is a way of playing sports at a deep discount. Due to the risk/reward scenario, I rarely bet the favorite. Instead of betting $100 on the sure thing, I'll bet $10 on the underdog. Over time, I believe that I have come out further ahead with this method. My risk is much lower, and while I win far less often, when I do win ... I win far more. There are no sure things. If there is one thing I have realized while betting sports, it is that the favorite loses an uncanny number of times, while the long-shot comes through far more often than their odds would indicate. Because of this, the underdog is almost always the value bet with the superior risk-reward.
21. Watch What You Eat
If you are going to eat Indian food or some other food that smells like the business end of a monkey's ass, for god sake, do it before going to bed. Breath mints just compound the problem.
22. Don't Criticize the Dealer
There is nothing worse than the asshole with too much self-esteem who goes off when the dealer screws up. Dealing cards to complete strangers can often be a nerve-racking experience. It's something that most of us could never do. In addition, you never know what the dealer is going
through. Maybe one of their kids is sick, maybe a relative just died, maybe they are just having a bad day. Sure, they can call in sick, but in this town ... doing so is risky from a job security perspective. Dealers make mistakes all the time. Once an hour, at minimum. If you cannot deal with this fact, and you think the humans behind the table should be infallible machines, do everyone a favor and stay home.
This goes double if you are seated at a low-limit table. The lower the limit, the more inexperienced the dealers will be, and the more forgiving you should be.
If you want a higher level of perfection, save up and play in the high limit room. On the casino floor, you are going to have to endure mistakes, and rarely (if ever) are they intentional.
23. Cut Your Losses
It is common for people to go "on tilt" when they get creamed early in a session. Instead of walking away, too many people are convinced that they can make their money back if only they gamble a little longer. Don't catch a falling knife. Once you are down 50%, you will need to double up just to break even. If it were easy to double up, no casino on the planet would be in business. The odds that were against you when you lost during the first hour are still against you in the second and third hours.
24. Don't Talk on Cellphone while Gambling
For some reason, people find it difficult to talk on the cellphone while performing other tasks. They also like to advertise that they have a cellphone. I cannot for the life of me figure out why this is. Cellphones were novel and elite in 1995, but in 2010, even dirt farmers in Mexico have iPhones. At least the gay ones do. Even though I hate talking on my cell phone, I can do so without making a major production out of it when I have no other choice. I wish other people could master this talent. (Hint: the sound does not go further the louder you speak). If you have yet to figure out how to use the technology without making a spectacle of yourself ... just don't.
25. Don't Be Obnoxious/Loud
If you are from New York or New Jersey, resist the urge to re-enact the Sopranos for everyone at the table. If you are exceptionally cool, leave something to the imagination. Let us envision your charm instead of beating us over the head with it.
26. Don't Split Tens
Given that there is little statistical difference between splitting tens against a 6 or standing, I don't know why this is so frowned up. I only know that it is, indeed, frowned upon. Splitting tens is the easiest way to clear a table or engender ill-will amongst your table peers. Don't do this unless you are prepared to be criticized by everyone else in the casino. Sometimes I split anyway, and I refer people to Rule #12. Few people comply with my request to obey said rule, and I become the cancer of the casino.
27. Leave The Pets at Home
I swear to God, I've seen this with my own eyes. Twice. One time, a lady had her designer dog tucked into her handbag while she played Hold 'em, and another time, a guy thought it was cool to play Blackjack with his iguana perched on his shoulder. I have nothing against well-behaved pets, but others might. If you are that obsessed with your pets, buy 50 cats and become a shut-in like other psycho pet people. Sure, it's novel to bring your animal to the table, but it's also kind of a corny scream for attention.
28. Wash Hands Well After Handling Money/Chips
If you have ever been in a casino bathroom, you know why this is necessary. People crap, urinate, pick their nose, and then grab their chips and bring them to the table. Living in this town, I get sick all the time. There are just too many germs from too many parts of the world to build up an immunity to all of them. Washing your hands after handling money and chips is probably the easiest way to lower your risk of getting the plague while in Vegas.
29. Stick w/ your Bankroll
There is nothing more depressing than the death march to the ATM machine. If you take $500 to gamble, and you lose it, don't get more money. Call it a vacation and see the shows, eat, or invest in a happy ending. It's easy to justify enlarging your bankroll if you go through it too quickly, but you will just lose more money. You have to be disciplined in gambling to have a fighting chance.
30. Enjoy Yourself
When it's no longer fun, it's time to walk. Much like crack, the dopamine surge that accompanies gambling does not last forever. Usually, gambling is fun when you first start, and becomes more mundane as time drags on. Fortunately, you can reset your receptors with a period of abstinence, at which point the game once again becomes enjoyable. When you notice the fun fading and you begin going through the motions ... walk, do something else, and play again later. Taking frequent breaks from gambling makes gambling more fun.
