ONLINE GAMBLING AND CASINO GUIDE

I don’t go to the Forum Shops all that often, because like all heterosexual males, I hate shopping … unless it is for electronic stuff. This was my first time in the Caesars’ Forum Shops in a good six months, and I took the time to stop and take in the sights a bit.

Frankly, now that they have become ubiquitous, I am getting a little tired of the “sky ceiling” decor. It seems that every indoor place in Vegas is now painting their ceilings to look like clouds and sky. Paris Casino, Miracle Mile Shops, The Forum Shops, etc, etc … it’s getting a little played out. Yeah, yeah, it looks like the ceiling is the sky,  and it feels like I’m outdoors while actually indoor, I get it already.

Now please stop.

Throw some porn up there … I can see real clouds anytime I feel like it.

There are many sculptures, statues, and paintings in The Forum Shops. Not only that, but they have an extremely cool aquarium beneath “Cheesecake Atlantis”. The aquarium alone is worth at least one visit to the shops. It’s very impressive for a virtually unknown attraction.

They have all kinds of bizarre fish, and even have stingrays swimming around in the circular tank, and you can watch while some guy in a diving suit goes in and feeds them, although a chick in a bikini would be a better idea.

Notice when I mentioned stingrays, that I did not make any Steve Irwin jokes because I felt that mentioning him might be in bad taste. I just wanted to throw that out there, because I believe I deserve recognition for the restraint shown.

Anyway, the mall is primarily full of douchebag and wannabe stores. Dolce & Gabana, Coach, Louis Vutton, Abercrombie & Bitch, Versace, Anthropologie, Apple, etc.

No self respecting person with a “Y” chromosome would be caught dead in this place unless he had an agenda other than shopping … or had been castrated.

Luckily, I have no self-respect, so it wasn’t an issue for me personally … so I spent some time wandering through The Forum Shops.

I actually wanted to check out some Macbook accessories in the Apple Store, and also make fun of the iPeople. It’s become somewhat of a hobby of mine. I am aware that someday soon Steve Jobs is going to order all of the iPeople to drink iCyanide in order to reach iHeaven, and they will dutifully follow … so I make it a point to visit these stores every now and then while they are still staffed by iHumans.

After asking, and getting little useful information, I decided to check out the rest of the mall … and at least one of the free shows.

Oh, what kind of useless information did I get at the Apple Store?

Me: Will the Macbook keyboard protector cause overheating if I am doing a two hour video render?

iGenius: Well, the Macbook will not overheat when it is turned off, even if it has a keyboard protector.

Apparently, Apple employees think Macs can render videos even when they are turned off. People have accused me of being too hard on iPeople, but if anything … I think I am quite generous to the cult.

I left the store immediately. Next time, I’ll ask LaShondra, my local crackwhore for technical advice before going to the Apple Store.

Anyway …

When people make lists of things to see and do in Las Vegas, the free shows are always at the top of the list.

Bellagio Fountains, The Conservatory, The Volcano, Sirens of T.I., Fremont Street Experience, etc.

Two shows that very rarely get mentioned are the free ones in the Caesars Forum Shops.

They are a little dated, but kind of cool in an old-school kind of way.

The Fall of Atlantis and the Festival Fountain are two free shows, on opposite ends of the Caesars’ Forums.

On this particular day, I decided to watch “The Fall of Atlantis” animatronic show.

To be perfectly honest, I have absolutely NO idea what they are saying during this show. I have never known what they were saying. I think the two dudes are trying to convince the animatronic chick to take her top off … but that’s just a guess.

Anyway, I recorded it so that perhaps you can figure it out from the comfort of your own computer.

I have to go back to the mall in the not-too-distant future to actually get that Apple accessory, so I’ll record the Festival Fountain show at that time.

What struck me as very amusing about this particular show, was not the show itself, but the backdrop. How on Earth can you take the demise of Atlantis even semi-seriously with a huge neon Cheesecake Factory sign behind it?

When there are mythological Greek people having some sort of dramatic conflict in front of the Cheesecake Factory, it’s funny. I’m sorry, it just is.

The rest of the Forum Shops were quite crowded this particular afternoon. There seemed to be more people shopping than gambling in Las Vegas these days, but revenue is revenue. I’m sure we’ll take what we can get.

After I was finished in the mall, I stopped and chatted with a friendly security guard, which is very rare in this town, about his Segway. Then I made my way to the Casino, where I attempted to play some slots.

I have checked my testicles at the door by entering the Forum Shops and Apple Store, I felt that I had nothing to lose by playing a chick game such as “Wheel of Fortune” slots.

Man, slots in this town are getting tighter than a frog’s twat because I didn’t hit a damn thing in $10 of single coin quarter play. That’s 40 straight losing spins without so much as a single credit payback. Of course, I don’t play slots for profit, only fun … but it’s a little more fun when you win one or two spins in forty attempts.

I thought about hitting the dice pit, but I was pressed for time. I have this new craps strategy that I want to test out, but I want to make sure that I am in the right frame of mind before grabbing the bones. Wheel of Fortune killed my gambling buzz on this day.

Anyway, next time you are in Vegas, and more specifically near Caesars Palace … check out the free shows in The Forums Shops.

They animate every hour, on the hour … so you will have to plan at least an hour and a half in the mall to see both.

If you need something to kill time in between shows, I highly recommend surfing porn on a 24” inch iMac in the Apple Store.

If an iPerson happens to ask what you are doing, be sure to tell them Rex sent you …

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