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I was driving down Chapel Row today, and as I passed the dozen or so chapels, I was reminded that Valentine’s Day is this weekend.

Now, this kind of crap is usually a topic that I don’t touch, but believe it or not, I have personal experience in this area.

Yours truly was actually married in a Las Vegas Chapel.

Not just a Las Vegas Chapel … but a drive-thru chapel … on Chapel Row.

Chapel Row is the stretch of Las Vegas Boulevard between The Stratosphere and Downtown.  There are other names for the area such as “The Ghetto” and “Don’t Go There” and “Oh My God, I Can’t Believe We Are
Being Carjacked, Did We Take The Insurance On The Rental?”

The safety of the area notwithstanding,  this two mile stretch of road just happens to have the highest concentration of wedding chapels in Las Vegas.

I remember my own wedding trip to Chapel Row like it was only eighty years ago.

We were staying in the Luxor Pyramid, and drove up the Boulevard at 2am.   We had no idea which particular place we were looking for, but when I saw the “Drive-Thru” sign, I realized that I could get married without even having to get off of my lazy ass.  So, I made my first executive decision as head of household.

The decision was … we are getting married at that chapel.

I hated the thought of having to park, roll up the windows, put the club on the steering wheel, get out,  lock the doors, and walk a few dozen yards for something as trivial as my own wedding.   I wanted to get
married in the same way I ordered a hamburger.

Who wouldn’t?

There were a half dozen other cars lined up at 2am to order their Egg McMuf … I mean to get married.

But that was back when Las Vegas was Las Vegas.

While Las Vegas is still a very common place for people from all over the world to get married, things seem to have trailed off somewhat.

Back in my day, the Marriage Bureau was still open 24 hours a day.  Now, it is “only” open from 8am to midnight.

While living here, I have actually helped run a few people through the process of obtaining a marriage license … including a drunk guy in a wheelchair who ended up getting married in the Rio Wedding Chapel
dressed as a women while has bride was dressed as a man (long story).

It’s well established that I am not a blind cheerleader for this town, but I will say this much … it is the absolute best place to get married.

Unlike traditional weddings, Vegas weddings can actually be fun.  You can do what you want, and express your own personalities and quirks (such as being a cross dressing, heterosexual, handicapped guy).

I cannot recommend a Vegas chapel wedding highly enough.

I hate, loathe, and despise “traditional” weddings.  I would rather shoot myself in the head with a nail gun than have to attend one.

It is my opinion that when people have big, elaborate celebrations …  they are compensating for something.  If you want to find the largest display of bullshit, look for the largest ceremony.  This does not just
apply to weddings, it applies to everything.  Elaborate and expensive ceremonies are a frequent substitute for substance.  If you have substance, pomp and circumstance is unnecessary.

Three examples that come immediately to mind are the Queen of England, the Pope, and the President.

They don’t actually do anything, but we trot out every celebratory cliché’ in the book when these people come to town, or get elected, or pass gas … or whatever they do.

Because of the big deal made out of these people through celebratory events, we naturally assume that these people do something … which is the point of the ceremony.  To convince us that they do, indeed, do
something.

Similarly, if a couple decides to spend a ton of money and make a huge production out of “Everybody look at us, we’re in love!” … then you have to wonder how much of that is real, and how much of it is simple
attention whoring.  A wedding is a ceremony.  A marriage is a life endeavor.  Some people seem to not know the difference.

There used to be a saying, “The bigger the wedding, the shorter the marriage.”  On some levels, that seems to be the case.  The people in my family who went to the justice of the peace at lunch time are still
together.  Those who had big weddings are not.  While this is not enough of a representative sample on which to base a statistical conclusion …  it would not surprise me at all if the “big wedding” people were far
more miserable on average than those who simply eloped or kept it small.

If you are secure enough in what you are doing, you don’t need the validation of a hundred other people, not to mention the expense.

While I wholeheartedly believe in, and even endorse quick and personal Las Vegas weddings, I still don’t believe in Valentine’s Day on any level.

Valentine’s Day was the first holiday to be commercialized in the 19th century, and the U.S. Greeting Card Association says that a billion Valentine’s Day cards are sent worldwide each year … second only to
Christmas.  These guys also brought us Father’s Day, Secretary’s Day, and a whole slew of non-holidays just to sell their product.

As a matter of fact, the motto of the U.S. Greeting Card Association is “We can’t believe you people are this stupid.”

For this reason, I implore you to “Just Say No” to Valentine’s Day.

If you really want to do something nice, treat your significant other well the rest of the year.

Let the people who think that love comes in a box fall over themselves on February 14th, and get your bitch a dozen slightly wilted roses on the 15th … for one-tenth the price.

If she doesn’t understand the logic of this, sell her and get a dog.

What can I tell you, I’m a hopeless romantic.

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