The Bitch is Back
February 20, 2010
Sometimes I try to ignore news and not comment on them, but I’ve received more emails about this topic than just about any other story in the past several weeks.
Well, with the exception of the axe murderer.
For those who are unaware, a man attacked a small child and a couple of other people with an axe last week, and while the crime happened near (not in) Rexville, I really don’t know what to say about it. Crime happens here all the time. The story simply got national press because it was a freaking axe. Had it been a gun, a knife, or a baseball bat, you probably wouldn’t have heard about it. There are roughly 20,000 murders annually in the USA. This was one of them. They are all a shame. What more can be said?
The other big story here in town is that another kind of murder will be perpetrated on Las Vegas visitors beginning next year. Some might say that it is the aural equivalent of an axe murder.
Celine Dion at Caesars Palace
That’s right … Celine Dion is coming back to Las Vegas on March 15, 2011 for another multi-year run at Caesars Palace.
As a precaution, on March 14, 2011, all Las Vegas hotels will cease providing bedsheets and linens to their guests to prevent the inevitable suicide attempts which will accompany Dion’s return.
Okay, it’s probably high time to let everyone in on the whole Celine Dion thing.
Somewhere along the line, people’s senses of humor evaporated. One only need watch a single episode of Saturday Night Live to confirm this. Didn’t that used to be a comedy show?
Everyone thinks that I mercilessly shit on Celine, but it’s really all in good fun. Celine Dion is simply the Las Vegas version of “Rickrolling”. She’s our punchline. She’s our Nickelback. Everybody craps on her as she sells millions of records, sings to packed houses, and cries all the way to the bank.
To her great credit, Celine’s return will fill a gaping void in Las Vegas. Not just the void that Bette Midler is creating, but a civic void. A void that Criss Angel has never really been able to fill quite as well.
The Las Vegas Strip
Bette Midler at Caesars Palace
Bette Midler at Caesars Palace
She will be our whipping boy … or girl in this case.
You see, people have a need for a common villain. I don’t mean that in the abstract sense. Human animals actually do need a common villain for their own mental health and well-being.
Psychological studies have shown that “bonding” neurotransmitters such as vasopressin are released in the brain when people gossip. These chemicals re-enforce perceived notions such as “self-esteem” and “acceptance”. Having a common “enemy” or “person of disdain” is as necessary to the human experience as is love and affection. This is why some people find things such as the Jerry Springer Show addictive.
“Ha ha, look at that loser”, activates established reward pathways in the brain, and reinforces one’s own superior standing in societal order.
These chemical reactions foster “clique’” behavior in schoolyards, and explains the positive feelings people get when they stage “interventions” against friends or family members. People naturally feel good about themselves when they expound on other people’s faults. Especially when they do it in groups. It’s biological.
These same mechanisms also account for phenomenons such as religion, fan behavior, and patriotism. When you stand in a stadium with 20,000 other people, put your hand over your heart, and sing the national anthem … it feels good. When you cheer “your” team and “boo” the opposing team with those same 20,000 people … more warm-and-fuzzy hormones are produced. Common enemies provide cohesive feelings, and this is why most nations simply must have a common enemy to provide for the mental health of their population.
The Soviet Union, Iraq, Iran, Grenada, Canada … the identity of a common enemy is not nearly as important as having a common enemy.
Among Vegasphiles, Celine is our common enemy. She is the person who makes us feel good about ourselves. She is the person we can deride to reinforce our own superiority.
“I would never butcher an AC/DC song for a few million dollars!”, we like to think to ourselves.
The fact is, most of us would do exactly that. The fact that we will never get the chance is the real reason that we are angry.
Criss Angel Luxor Wrap
We don’t hate Criss Angel’s show that much. 90% of his critics have never seen it. If we paid $2 to see it in a bar somewhere, we would probably think it was a great show. We hate Criss Angel because he gets paid so much to do the show. Why else would we care at all? We also hate the fact that Criss obviously feels superior to us, which we deep down think is true, because he gets paid more than we do. Like it or not, salary is the way that people are measured in this country.
“That douchebag can’t be better than me! Someone obviously made a mistake!”
Well, maybe, maybe not.
Maybe he is a douchebag, but he still got his very own Vegas gig with his name on the side of the building. Getting that well-paying show was a gigantic “Fuck You” to all of his naysayers, and in my opinion, explains much of the backlash. As we toil away at our menial jobs, sit in gridlock, and live paycheck-to-paycheck during a recession… in the back of our minds we realize that we all got P3wned, and we’re none to happy about it.
Danny Gans at The Mirage
Celine Dion at Caesars Palace and Danny Gans at The Mirage
When people used to make jokes about Danny Gans, it never ceased to amaze me how few people had actually seen him perform. When people still shit on Circus Circus, it surprises me just how few of the critics have stayed or played there.
The fact is, it is much easier to ride on a bandwagon than to pull one. You have the expectation that your vasopressin secretion will remain uninterrupted if you hate what everyone else hates.
When you do this, you aren’t a bad person per-se. Well, yes you are, but all people are bad people. You are merely following your natural instincts to be a bad person.
As a human being myself (at least that’s what they tell me), I am not immune from any of the above. Since nobody knows who Randy Snow is, making fun of him isn’t fully satisfying. I just don’t get much hormone release from him. I’m sure every woman he has ever been with will tell you the same thing.
Because of this, I’ve had to choose my own common enemies … Celine Dion, Steve Wynn, and a couple of other hand-picked people.
Why?
It’s hard to say exactly why I picked these folks.
Maybe it’s because they have so much money and so much success, I know they won’t care. I would never ridicule a maid or a janitor.
Maybe it’s because I know they are not in my demographic, and thus will never read what I say. You can’t hurt people’s feelings if they don’t hear you.
Maybe it’s because I just like to ridicule their obsessive fanboy/girl proponents who have no sense of perspective and reason.
Maybe I really am envious on some subconcious level. Face it, it would be cool to have a large casino, a private jet, a fleet of limos, and a bottomless supply of hairspray and Astroglide.
Maybe I ridicule Celine because I want to have legions of post-menopausal fans, millions of dollars, and my own show at Caesars.
Or maybe, just maybe … it’s this:
On second thought, scratch everything I said above.
I guess she really is that bad.
Written by philipj on February 20, 2010 at 9:10 pm
Rex, you start off with an axe murder, and then let us in on Celine. I fully expected an imaginative twist of Rexville where as the Inquiring Mind would explain to us that the Axe murder was the secret lover of……… I’m disappointed.
Written by cal_rob61 on February 20, 2010 at 9:56 pm
Geez Rex the least could of done is hooked us up with the “Axe Murderer” (I just may need his expertise), as a “thank you” gift for having to watch the second coming of Lucifer video.
Written by ColinFromLasVegas on February 20, 2010 at 10:32 pm
Oh, wow, Rex. I watched that video and cut it off around the two minute mark. I’ll pass. The original AC/DC one blasts that one out of the water. She didn’t come close.
I’ve never cared for Celine Dion, to tell the truth. But she is very popular and draws crowds.
But I can’t judge Celine Dion based on that misstep. She ran a very successful show before here in Vegas. And I’m sure she has a fan base that will continue that trend when she starts up next year again at Caesars Palace.
Criss Angel, on the other hand, is not meant for Las Vegas. He’s a fucking douchebag.
I must admit I’ve never seen his show. But I don’t have to. Rex, go to yelp.com, a website where people remark and grade shows from around the world, and type in “criss angel believe” at “las vegas nv.” Right now, there are over 125 comments there. They grade shows; highest grade is five stars, lowest one star. Out of these 125 comments, Criss Angel Believe has only an average rank of two stars. Well below average. Page after page after page of disgruntled tourists from around the U.S. and the world who were totally dissatisfied with his bullshit show, some screaming they want their money back.
This is sad. Because that idiot has dragged down the quality of entertainment on the Strip. He shouldn’t even be in a show on the famed Las Vegas Strip.
Cirque du Soleil got with him, threw 100 million dollars at him and said, yeah, sure, go make a show, and you’ll headline it. He did and it suffers because he has no talent, no ability to put a show together, no stage presence and has demonstrated total inability to have any type of rapport with an audience.
That douchebag sucks so bad that other magicians in town rag on him. At one show at the Planet Hollywood, a magician said at the end of his show (quote), “If you didn’t like this show, my name is Criss Angel.” That shows you how much a laughingstock he is here.
And because of Cirque du Soleil’s bad business decision, they decide to charge full price and take it out on tourists to recoup their money. And they continue this by falsely advertising that Criss Angel does a show and gives the appearance it’s like his television show. Which is entirely different. The TV show is all gimmicks, camera angles and shills paid to act like they are in awe and shit. When that douchebag tries that same stuff on stage, he can’t hang.
This makes the hierarchy (not the people who have to work and suffer with Criss Angel’s idiocy) of Cirque du Soleil all douchebags too. Because not only do they clearly show lust for money, but they seem to make excuses for their star everytime he fucks up. And they are numerous. He threatened to blind Norm Clarke. Never apologized for it. Cirque du Soleil played it off. Criss Angel shouted obscenities at another reporter in the audience once, while children were in attendance. He never apologized. Cirque du Soleil did. And there were a few other instances where Criss Angel just does whatever the fuck he wants. Because he knows no one will stop him because it’s all money driven. Cirque du Soleil just goes, oh, that’s how he rolls. Criss Angel could stand up on stage naked, defile three virgins, bugger two sheep and a cow while reading out loud “Mein Kampf” and throw feces at the audience and Cirque du Soleil douchebags would just think of some excuse for their star’s latest shenanigans.
In the meantime, the tourists will suffer and pay money for a show that is below Las Vegas standards.
I guess what I’m trying to do is warn people not to go see that douchebag. Because not only will you waste money, but also precious moments out of your life, possibly even falling asleep during the entire show. It’s THAT bad. It’s so bad that some locals here actually think the Luxor is ACTUALLY a sacred burial ground for Egyptian Pharaohs.
Written by euroblade on February 20, 2010 at 10:58 pm
I listened to the first 40 seconds, and had to jam pencils in my ears to ease the pain.
No more!
No more!
I’ve been given a glimpse of hell.
Written by Rex on February 20, 2010 at 11:39 pm
I’ve seen the Angel show myself, and while it’s not my favorite show, it’s not THAT bad.
It’s just … different.
I suppose I just don’t have any strong feelings about Chriss Angel one way or the other.
I’ve never seen his Television show and I don’t particularly care if Chriss Angel shouts obscenities. Actually, if I was in the audience when he shouted obscenities at reporters, I would probably enjoy the show more. Same if Chriss threatened my life. I wouldn’t get upset, I would find it amusing.
I’m kind of hoping that Donny Osmond will threaten to kill me when I got to his show.
Everybody gets so worked up about the Chriss dude, but as long as he leaves me alone, I don’t care what he does or doesn’t do, who he is or isn’t dating, or how often he masturbates to pictures of himself.
I’ve just never been able to figure out why he was relevant, and why he inspires such strong emotions. He didn’t really evoke any kind of strong feeling from me either way.
I will never again see the show, however.
I did highly object to having to pass through a metal detector to get to a goddamn Vegas show, and the show tried to make all of the audience give up their cellphones (most people complied but I smuggled mine in anyway).
I won’t hand over my personal property to anyone after paying for a ticket to see their show.
I mean, unless they give me a full warranty for it in case they F it up.
Somehow I doubt they will take care of my stuff as well as I take care of it myself, and it’s my shit … not theirs.
Written by Jerry P on February 21, 2010 at 4:51 am
No No NO NO FUCK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope 2012 happens now. It will be the only way to get rid of this bitch.
Written by keith on February 21, 2010 at 6:31 am
you guys are looking at this totally the wrong way.
when celine is performing, that will be the optimum time to go to the buffets, since all the fat women will have to stop grazing and waddle over to Ceasars.
Written by Robert on February 21, 2010 at 2:40 pm
Where is Cyndi Lauper when you need her?
Written by Aaron on February 21, 2010 at 8:41 pm
perfect call-back…….he started off with an ax murder….then ended with an ax murder in that youtube clip…..I don’t even like AC/DC, but nobody deserves that.
Written by Rex on February 21, 2010 at 9:27 pm
The vocals are one thing. I suppose they appeal to a wide cross-section of Oprah fans worldwide. Especially with the liberal use of “girlfriend” banter throughout the song.
With that being said, Celine Dion is absolutely, positively, the WORST air guitar player I have ever seen in my life.
Someone needs to give her a diagram of a guitar.
She holds the neck up high, and strums in a spastic right-left motion … which would totally miss every string … all while striking a weird John Travolta Saturday Night Fever Pose.
I almost cried laughing when she did the duck walk at :026, though.
That alone almost made the video worth watching.
Written by Ron from MI on February 22, 2010 at 4:17 am
Celene should have had AC/DC perform as a guest backdrop; the energy level would have been a lot better.
The band that played onstage isn’t bad, but it doesn’t come close to being AC/DC; it sounds more like today’s country artists: lotsa twang, but kinda homely and somewhat eerily polished up.
Yet, who is that “girlfriend” that’s singing the duet on stage? I never heard of her………
Only one question about Celene coming back to Caesars: If she gonna do it again one more time, or jump the shark in this sequel?
IMO, I feel the answer is inherit to the question itself.
Written by zarray on February 22, 2010 at 10:32 am
Oh fuck you Rex, I watched that and now my face is permanently bunched up into an expression of malice.
Also reading about the Angel show, it sounds like clichéd art house crap that is manufactured to make Midwesterners confused about their lot in life.
Written by Limey on February 22, 2010 at 10:35 am
A few years back when I visited Vegas Celine Dion was appearing at some Hotel I forget which, but she seemed to forever cancelling gigs over some minor mishap. In fact it got so bad I believe they where thinking about running a book at the Bellagio on what nights she might attend. Like all prima donnas they tend to forget that it is the paying public that supports their lifestyle….Limey
Written by coolpacific on February 22, 2010 at 8:47 pm
I don’t hate Celine, I hate the repressed suburban soccer moms and their nutless wonder husbands who love her. They are the enemy.
Written by MrCdnVegas on February 22, 2010 at 8:55 pm
See that’s what you get for what happened Sunday night.
USA beats Canada at Hockey
Canada sends Celene back to Vegas
Written by SPRUNT on February 24, 2010 at 1:30 am
No. That’s what you get for waking up in Vegas.
Written by Bazzito on February 25, 2010 at 8:47 pm
Your essay brought to mind one of the reasons that I love to visit Las Vegas and to stay at Bill’s (formerly Barbary Coast) when I’m there.
In reference to Celine Dion and Cher:
There are very few places on earth about which you can say, “Not only woulnd’t I cross the stree to see her…..but I DIDN’T!!”
Viva Las Vegas!!