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When I learned on Friday morning that there would be women running around Downtown in lettuce bikinis, I immediately made plans to go Downtown and … gawk at women running around in lettuce bikinis.

Apparently, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) was staging an event directly across from my new soon-to-be-office (City Hall) to draw awareness to the fact that Las Vegas was listed by someone as American’s 4th fattest city.

Who called us the 4th fattest city?

I don’t know, and frankly I don’t care.  City “rankings” are little more than publicity stunts by different magazines and groups to get people talking and to drum up PR for their own brand name … but what can I tell you … people aren’t bright.

Especially us.

According to the “Daily Beast” (which I’ve never heard of before their study, which proves that these rankings work), Las Vegas is the dumbest city in the USA second only to Fresno, California.

When reached for comment on their methodology in a conversation which played out in my head, the Daily Beast was quoted as saying “Our rankings were based purely on the city’s proximity to Rexville”.

Even though Raleigh, NC was ranked as the most intelligent city in the USA by the Daily Beast, I’m going to withhold formal congratulations until the results are confirmed by Anal Wart Weekly’s forthcoming “study”.

Take my blog titles with a grain of salt because I don’t think I’ve ever stayed on one topic for more than twelve consecutive words.

Anyway …

PETA was doing a “meat makes you fat, eat veggie dogs instead” event in a somewhat hardscrabble area of Downtown.

They had invited Oscar Omnipresent Goodman and a few other officials to attend, but given that they were not serving booze or handing out severed horse heads, I rather doubt that he showed up.

When I arrived, I found that the women weren’t really in lettuce bikinis.  They were in green cloth bikinis designed to look a bit like lettuce, but let’s face it, there is a huge difference between “green bikini” and “lettuce bikini”.  The former I see every day in summer, the latter I have never seen in my life.

Given my expectations, I was mildly disappointed at this development, but they get a nod for effort.  I suppose if you were driving by at the posted 30Mph speed limit, you could mistake these bikinis for real lettuce if you were a blood relative of Mr. Magoo.

The police presence at this endeavor seemed to be greater than it needed to be, and shortly after 12pm, PETA was ordered to pack up and move from one corner to another due to a permit technicality.  The new location was a less trafficked corner next to a vacant lot, but I suppose a permit is a permit.

I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free to do as I’m told.

Now, I’m not a huge fan of PETA.  As a matter of fact, I think they are wrong about more things than they are right about.  I agree that animals should not be mistreated just for the hell of it, but I think animal testing is important and I don’t consider pet ownership to be slavery.

I did enjoy their “I would rather go naked than wear fur” campaign as it is close to my personal motto of “I’d rather be naked and eat fur”, but that’s about as much real solidarity as I have with them.

I spoke with the leader of the event for a few minutes, and I nodded politely as she explained the message and the purpose of PETA to me.

Of course, being from the Nation’s Capital I am well-aware of PETA and their platform, but that doesn’t mean that one should dispense of common courtesy while a guest at someone else’s party.

Apparently, veggie dogs are more healthy and are better for the environment than meat dogs.  This struck home for me, because if there is one thing I care about more than all others, it’s the environment.

Not only that, but at this gathering I also learned that Alec Baldwin is a vegetarian.

I found this to be the most compelling argument of all, because I have patterned my entire life after Alec, and my continued consumption of meat is the only area in which I continue to remain deficient.  Especially since I solved that whole “banging Kim Basinger ” thing.

The truth of the matter is that I am a vegetarian in spirit, but I just can’t put it into practice.

For instance, I don’t eat fried chicken, and I typically stay away from meats that have multiple visible bones that has a skeletal outline.  Most of the meat I eat is in filet form, or something along the lines of barbeque and hamburger.  I can eat things with a single bone (that’s what she said) like steak or pork chops, but I can’t even look at those roasted pig-on-a-spit things, and there is no way in hell I could eat one.  Pigs are smart.  As a matter of fact, a pig farm in Kansas ranked slightly ahead of Las Vegas on the Daily Beast’s intelligence list.

The key to my eating meat is to have plausible denial that the thing was ever really an animal.  It all just comes from a magic meat farm on which pepperoni grows on trees.

It sounds silly, but at least I don’t let an invisible man in the sky dictate my day-to-day behavior, so I have some delusion to spare.

I like tofu just fine, but much like Steve Wynn, I eventually start craving meat in my mouth.

Of course, I feel bad that things have to be killed to satisfy my culinary preferences, but it’s not a selfish endeavor … it’s a evolutionary and genetic one.

Vegetarians have made arguments that humans are naturally vegetarian, but this position does not hold up to scientific scrutiny.

Humans have been eating meat for 2 million years … long before McDonald’s was a gleam in shareholder’s eyes.  Our digestive systems break down animal protein rapidly, and cellulose is very poorly digested by humans.  This is inconsistent with the digestive systems of strictly-vegetarian animals.

Converting someone from an omnivore into a herbivore can be achieved as a result of conditioning or because of the realities of available food supply, however, the position that it is “natural” is not tenable.

Obviously, I did not bring up any of these issues with the PETA people.  It was their show and I was there for the tofu dogs and “lettuce” bikinis.

Speaking of free food, when you hold this kind of event near the Downtown bus terminal, you are going to get a large audience.  The problem is … it probably won’t be your target audience.

A solid 50% of the people in line to get veggie dogs were residents of nearby homeless encampments, and if I had to guess … none of them were in a position to be choosy about their food selections.

It’s all well and good to educate those dwelling in tents about the importance of a diet high in plant fiber, but I just can’t see any of these folks tossing out a good sirloin steak under any circumstances.

The venue was possibly a poor choice for the organizers themselves, but I was glad they made this error because it had the side effect of actually feeding a large group of people who, quite frankly, needed to eat.  This was most likely the healthiest food many of these people will see for the next year.

Most event planners would balk if such a large number of their “customers” were so underprivileged, but they happily doled out veggie dogs to all comers.

Kudos to PETA for this generosity.

Like most events of its kind, it is highly unlikely that PETA’s endeavor will change anything.  The north side of Downtown during the afternoon is a black hole and the vast majority of Las Vegas was completely unaware that this event was in progress.

Still, they did their thing and championed their cause, and sometimes you simply have to try because doing nothing is the far more unattractive option.

Now if you will excuse me, all this talk of meat has made me a little hungry.  There is a rib meat sandwich at Mack’s with my name all over it.

Thank god for magic meat farms.

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