Take a Break
January 13, 2009
Apparently the “Your Vegas is Showing” campaign didn’t go over very well.
I like to think that, in some small way, I had something to do with it.
Let’s face it … it was the most asinine slogan ever put forth by any tourist destination on the planet.
It sounded like you walked out of the restroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe.
Now that the “showing” campaign has officially died a hideous and much deserved death, the geniuses at our promotional agency, the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority (LVCVA) spent a meager $2.5 Million to come up with this little gem:
Apparently our new slogan is “Take a Break”, “Come to Las Vegas to Relieve Stress” or some lame derivative thereof.
Yeah, that’s it.
What? Was “Awww, C’mon … We need the money!” already taken?
“Gee boss, we got two and a half million dollars to come up with a new slogan, what do you think?”
“Uh, call it, “Take a Break” … you got anymore of the sticky icky that you bought from the Bellagio valet last week?”
Seriously, do you get the feeling that they aren’t even trying anymore?
Okay, maybe I am not being completely fair. The premise of the new commercials is that they flew a bunch of people into Vegas from some bummfuck town named Cransville Gap, Texas.
The LVCVA followed these people around with a camera for awhile, and apparently these people had fun.
According to the LVCVA, this means that you will also have fun.
The major hole in their theory is that nobody is going to be following you around and filming you for a promotional campaign. When the cabbie long-hauls your ass, and the dealer refuses to grandfather you in when they take the game from $25 to $50 .. a producer is not going to step in and make them take care of you.
It’s like the fast food commercials.
They always show highly-literate, smiling people serving your Big Mac in the TV commercials … but when you actually go to the restaurant to actually get the burger, Hector and LaShonda are behind the cash register shouting at each other because Hector came up short with the abortion money, and now LaShonda is going to be a baby mamma for the 12th time.
Sure, eventually Hector will storm out of the restaurant to pull a quick drive-by with the homies so he can buy formula, and LaShonda might actually give you a burger … but it will be 1/100th of an inch thick with mold growing on the bun … and you sure as hell aren’t getting a smile.
Most people will be able to see through this nonsensical advertising for what it is … pure fiction.
And let’s suspend disbelief for a moment and say the people in the commercial really did have as great a time as the LVCVA said they did.
Does this mean anything?
I mean, how hard could it possibly be to entertain a bunch of hayseeds from Bummfuck, Texas?
For crying out loud, all you need to do to entertain these people is stick two goats and a chicken in the hotel room, and call it an orgy.
Sure, Cletus had fun, but it’s the first time he’s been out of the trailer in 6 years.
We’re really starting to aim low here.
Supposedly, the LVCVA is trying to win back the overworked middle class with this particular campaign. Apparently, we have been completely abandoned by the fickle “Vegas, Baby!” douchebags, and now they are looking for middle America to bail their sorry asses out.
Las Vegas saw a 4% tourism drop in 2008, and we will have an estimated 13,000 new hotel rooms in the next year. We desperately need people to fill those rooms.
The Convention Authority fully recognizes that the economy sucks, people are hurting, and they are not going to lure people here by making them think they have to spend a ton of money.
“Taking a break” sounds cheap. It implies just sitting back and doing nothing … and what could be less expensive than just sitting back and doing nothing.
Of course, that’s just the pitch to get you here.
Once you arrive, they don’t want your fat ass sitting in your deeply discounted hotel room watching television.
Make no mistake about it, Las Vegas still wants your mortgage money. Every penny of it. We want you living on the street applying for welfare cheese. We don’t give a damn about your stress level. We just want you to come, drop your money off at the airport, and turn around and go home.
If 6:5 Blackjack has taught us anything, it’s that Las Vegas hates you.
These huge casinos are not built on the backs of people having a good time, they are built on the backs of people going home destitute.
But these days, we have to act like we care.
So here we go.
This is the new kinder, gentler Las Vegas, and far be it from me not to help.
“Hey there stressed out factory worker in flyover country. I feel your pain. I love America, I love kittens, and I love you. You look awful stressed out over there in Ohio. Why don’t you come on over to Las Vegas and, you know … take a break. We’ll treat you real swell. I promise.”
Will this campaign work?
Due to the sheer lack of creativity, I hope not. I want the LVCVA to go bankrupt, get fired, or whatever has to happen to get rid of that useless pimple on the ass of Las Vegas.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t take much to convince the American people to do something.
Even though we have more surveillance cameras than any city on Earth, including in elevators, parking garages, and cabs … millions upon millions of people bought into that whole “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas” bullshit.
And if you still believe that one, write a letter to O.J. Simpson and ask him how that whole slogan worked out for him.
Make sure you don’t put any contraband in the envelope, or the warden will make sure the letter never reaches him.
Too bad Simpson wasn’t here during the “Take a Break” campaign. He may just have avoided that whole mess altogether.
So here we are in 2009. Another year, another few million dollars, another shitty ad campaign.
The ad campaign starts running on January 19th, and is coming to a TV set near you.
If you see the commercial, do us all a favor and change the channel.
You really have to stop letting our marketing droids off so easy.
For god’s sake have some self respect and make them work for your dollar.
Call every casino in town and say “I’ll take a break when you give me $10, 3:2 Single Deck, and not a moment sooner.”
If the middle class starts telling the bean counters what they want, and start demanding satisfaction, we won’t need any more multi-million dollar dopey ad campaigns.
As it did for decades prior … Las Vegas will sell itself.
Written by Brian on January 13, 2009 at 11:58 pm
I think your slogan of “Vegas, Being Here is Everything” makes a hell of a lot more sense than “Take a Break.” Are they promising a happy ending to everyone to relieve that stress?
Written by SPRUNT on January 14, 2009 at 3:25 pm
I think OJ is a great example of “What Happens Here Stays Here”. After all, I hear he is staying there for quite some time now.
Written by Rex on January 14, 2009 at 7:35 pm
The most tragic part of O.J.’s situation is that we no longer have anyone out there looking for Ron and Nicole’s real killer.
Written by NoHorseshoeUpMyAss on January 15, 2009 at 10:58 am
Hector and LaShonda , Cletus had fun, but it’s the first time he’s been out of the trailer in 6 years,
As always, your names and descriptions are identifiable enough to put pictures and scenerios to your stories, if the person reading it can multi-task mentally. We all know there are many that can’t, those you see mouthing the words and moving their fingers underneath the sentences.