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I headed Downtown this morning to take care of a few things.  The real Downtown.

Because traffic was somewhat, heavy, I took another one of my “super-secret” alternate routes.   This route takes me past both the Las Vegas Outlet Malls (more on this in a later post) … and it also takes me past something that I refer to as “The World’s Ugliest Building”, at least in its current state.

This supposed work of art sits across from the World Market Center, and conclusively proves that art is truly in the eye of the beholder.

I digress …

This little detour also takes me directly past the future site of “Union Park”.  Now, not a whole lot of people are familiar with Union Park, but for those of us who live in the environs of Downtown Las Vegas, it’s actually a pretty big deal.

Union park is a massive project that will not just sit adjacent to Downtown, but will eventually become part of Downtown.  Although the City of Las Vegas will still own the land, it will be “managed and planned” by a private company known as “Newland Communities”.

According to Union Park literature, “Union Park is destined to become the signature legacy of three-term Mayor Oscar B. Goodman and the Las Vegas City Council.”

Oscar’s obsession with his “legacy” has some of us a little frightened.

Can’t he simply erect a two hundred foot bronze statue of his pecker in front of City Hall and call it a career?

Anyway …

Officially, the Union Park project is being billed as a “master planned urban community” .

Since moving to Las Vegas, “master planned” is a phrase I have come to detest.

Why?

Because I have come to realize the true meaning of the term.

“Master planned” = phony, contrived, and overpriced.

Simply put, nothing “master planned” can ever approach a true urban area.   If the infrastructure in a neighborhood (roads, parks, sidewalks, etc) is not public property, managed by the City … then it probably cannot be a “city” by traditional definition.

Everything else being equal, it cost at least twice as much to live or open a business in a “master planned community” than it does to simply live or open a business in the organic part of the city.

Las Vegas’ penchant to “master plan” things in the last decade has gone a long way toward exacerbating our current problems.   Housing bubbles, white flight, urban decay, and worst of all … suburban morals in a town built to escape them.

When half of Las Vegas lives in gated communities, and said population opposes legalized prostitution because they are concerned about how it would “effect the children” … you quickly realize that master planning has jammed its fist into the heart of Las Vegas and ripped out its soul.

Although they would never admit it, this Union Park project is designed solely to attract white people to Downtown, because if there is one thing that has been proven time and time again, it is that white people love fake cities.  One only needs to look at The District and Town Square to prove this beyond a shadow of a doubt.  As a matter of fact, when I am eventually elected Mayor, one of my first initiatives will be to rename Union Park “Honkytown”.

But wait, there’s more.  Union Park will not just be any fake city.  It will be a “Green” fake city.  Oh dear sweet mother of Jesus (the Mexican baseball player) could this get any worse?

I suppose it does make sense, though.  If there is anything white people love more than fake cities, it’s “green” crap.  It will be “LEED Certified” which is some kind of bullshit eco-nazi term that probably costs an extra assload of money to obtain, but whatever.  If you are going to cater to suburban white people, you may as well go balls to the walls.

Instead of carefully “planning” this wide swath of Downtown with a private developer, I would much prefer to have seen the area zoned for affordable, middle-class housing and small businesses … but Oscar has a plan for the city.  Sterilization.  It is a plan that I do not agree with, and it is a philosophy which I do not share … but it doesn’t matter … I’m not the Mayor … yet.

Therefore, with my opinion on the project being duly noted, I will say that the specifications of the Union Park project are actually quite ambitious.  It’s Downtown’s answer to both The Strip’s “City Center”, and Henderson’s “The District” … all rolled into the same project.

The project is slated to come in at $6 Billion, and will cover 61 acres.

It will include 3,200 residential units, two non-gaming hotels (why non-gaming?), 1.6 million square feet of casino space, and 475,000 square feet of retail space.  1.9 million square feet will be dedicated to office space and medical space.

It will basically be a gigantic fake city … within a real city.

Interestingly, the fake city of Union Park will have four separate and distinct fake “districts”.

There will be “The Medical/Office District” which is self-explanatory, “The Civic District” which will be centered around the performing arts, “The Residential District” also self-explanatory, and “The Specialty District” which will house retail, hotels, restaurants, casinos, etc.

It’s basically going to be a private, sterile Downtown.  A Downtown so clean, you can eat off of it.

Don’t get me totally wrong … I am glad to see that something is being built here.  I just wish they were building more of the city of Las Vegas instead of indulging Oscar Goodman’s and Newland Communities’ wet dream.   I don’t like crime any more than anyone else, but I don’t think turning Downtown into Summerlin is the answer, either.

“Gee, Rex, you are such a vocal critic of the place, I guess you are going to avoid it, huh?”

Probably not.  I hate, loathe, and abhor the concept, but if the alternative is simply more decay and ridicule at hideous attempts at “revitalization” (Neonopolis and Fremont East) … then I will support it.  I’ll have to.

Anything less would be akin to rooting for your President to fail just because you didn’t vote for him … and nobody would be stupid enough to do that.

Yes, I will blast and criticize this project, but goddamn it, we need something to succeed down here.  If this monstrosity is our only salvation, so be it.  I think it is yet another miscalculation, but I am a person who craves to be proven wrong when it comes to these matters. As a point of fact, I am close enough to this project that if it succeeds, my property value will be affected positively.  The better it does, theoretically, the better I will do.

If this thing thrives, and brings Downtown back to its former glory, I will be the first person to admit I  was wrong, apologize, beg for forgiveness, get on my hands and knees, and kiss Oscar’s feet.  Dear sweet mother of Jesus (the Mex … ahhh, you get it already) please let me be wrong.

Please let there be a huge demand for people who want to get CAT scans and MRI’s before a night of drunken debauchery and degenerate gambling.  Please let there be a huge demand for symphony orchestra loving condo-dwellers.

Please let there be a huge amount of urban hipster wannabe’s who want the appearance of living in a city, without having to, you know … live in a city.  Please, please, let Las Vegas become the destination of choice for douchebags and posers worldwide.

Come to think of it, this place has a shot after all.

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