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I’m psychic.

I know, it’s hard to believe, but I am going to prove it to you.

Think of a town in the USA.  Any town.  Go ahead, take some time to think of a random one.  It doesn’t matter if you have been there or not.  As long as it’s not too obscure, and most people have heard of it … it will suffice.

Got it?

Write it down.

The next time you come to Vegas and find yourself surrounded by at least ten other tourists, simply mention the town that you have written.  Say something along the lines of  “I was in XYZ town last year”.

Right now, well in advance, I am going to tell you exactly the first thing you will hear as soon as you are done speaking.

“They have good food there!”

Somebody will say it.  I promise.

It doesn’t matter how crappy the town is, or how big of a dump it is … somebody will exclaim that the place has “good food”.

What is it, exactly, that makes this saying an absolute requisite when mentioning the name of a town?  It’s become an integral part of the American social structure, but I don’t get it.

Does every city really have “good food”?

Of course they do!

Every town also has crappy food.  Without exception.

Food is a commodity.  Saying a certain town has good food is like saying that they have good gasoline.  It makes little to no sense.  In my opinion, “good” and “bad” food is something that humans talk about to break the social barrier of awkward silence.

I have eaten in just about every price level of venue you could possibly imagine.  One time, I ordered a hamburger at Tavern on The Green in Central Park.  The waiter came over with the huge pepper wang and began twisting “fresh ground pepper” onto my burger.

You want to know how it was? It was good.

Of course it was good.  How bad can you possibly make a hamburger?

The flip side to the question, though, is how good can you make a hamburger?

Think about it.

It’s all cow!!!

You put the damn thing in a pan, kill all the parasites and bacteria, stick it on a plate, and serve it to a customer.  It’s not rocket science.

Of course, the chefs have a lot to do with it, but there are great chefs in diners on lone stretches of highway.  I think every town in American has both great chefs and awful chefs.  I defy you to name me one town in this country that does not have good food somewhere within the city limits.

One of my favorite television show episodes is when they conducted a hidden experiment to see how people would react if they were given frozen food with fancy names.  They served well-presented food from TV dinners to patrons in a snooty restaurant with high prices, and they recorded them as they lavished praise on the food.  Especially funny were the “heirloom tomatoes” that came out of a can.  Of course the patrons were embarrassed when the experiment was revealed, but it underscores a point.

“Quality” of food is probably, at least, 70% psychological.  If it costs more, and has good ratings, it tastes better.  It’s a huge placebo effect.  This is why people buy brand name peanut butter.

I’ll take In-n-Out Burger over Tavern on The Green any day of the week, but most people swear the “fresh” pepper on the latter tastes better … even though nobody has been able to describe the taste of “old” pepper to me.

I have no problem going to a “fine” restaurant because they have lobster or steak cut the particular way I like it … but I am under no illusion that they have some kind of magic lobster in the kitchen that is better than the place next door.

Hardly a day goes by where people don’t ask me to recommend a “good restaurant” for their vacation.

“Hey Rex, who has the best steak?”

I’ve tried to politely think of recommendations, and after years of realizing the futility of my actions, I’m going to have to just break down and shatter the myth for everyone.

The fact is, the food in your hometown is the same as ours.   At least the quality of the raw-product is.   I’m sure you have pricey restaurants that will prepare it the same way we prepare it, too.  You can only do so much with food.

Another reason I have a hard time recommending a “good restaurant” to people who are coming here on vacation, is because in reality … we have very few truly bad restaurants.

The Jumbo Shrimp at Restaurant A is going to taste like … shrimp.  The Jumbo Shrimp at Restaurant B is going to taste like … shrimp.  The New York Strip at Restaurant A comes from a nearly identical cow as the New York Strip from Restaurant B.

Since all lobster tastes pretty much the same, it’s usually not the food itself that makes a dining experience good, but rather the preparation and the service.  Here again, service in this town is highly variable given the individual server and food preparer.  They are not likely to be the same on any given day.

Most servers in this town have no real loyalty to one restaurant or another.  A “waitress” is more or less an interchangeable independent contractor.  I have gone to a restaurant one month, and have gotten everything but a hand job from the waitress.  I have gone to the exact same restaurant the next month, and have been completely ignored.

So, what is my standing recommendation?  Figure out what you like to eat.  Figure out how much you are comfortable paying for the piece of food.  Then, go to any place that has that food item on their menu.  The chance of the food itself being “good” or “bad” honestly are about the same from one place to another.

If you have other criteria, such as panoramic views, then of course this narrows things down to The Stratosphere, Voodoo at the Rio, etc.  If you are an obsessive “people watcher”, then Mon Ami Gabi is near the sidewalk.

Now, are there exceptions to this “best and worst” rule?

In my opinion, yes.

Buffets.

Buffets are the one dining aspect of Las Vegas that makes them the slightest bit unique to most other cities.  Las Vegas does not have the best restaurants in the country, but the Buffets are in a dining category of their own.

The selection of food, the freshness of that food … and even the ability to identify the food is highly variable.  Buffets are unique because the expensiveness of the food as compared to the price you pay can be quite advantageous to the diner.  Las Vegas has every type of buffet, in every price range, to meet and satisfy every person’s mood and craving, and most of them can be found on The Strip.

For instance, one staff person at the Wynn told me that during one of my meals, I had eaten about $400 worth of crab legs and jumbo shrimp … had I ordered them for market price at a sit-down seafood “restaurant”.  The meal cost me about $40.  Not including the beef, deserts, and dozen other food items.

You will not find this quality, selection, and convenience of buffets anyplace outside of Las Vegas, and that is why I actually did start doing buffet reviews about 3 years ago.  They were uniquely … Vegas.

There are buffets in other cities that are good, like Philip’s Flagship in D.C., but Vegas still has the best bang-for-your-buck buffets, in my sole opinion.

When I dine out here in town, at least 75% of the time it is a buffet. I take a lot of flak for this.  I don’t care.  My legs work, I can retrieve my own food, and I don’t want to wait for my next serving of shrimp.  I want to eat it when I feel like it.  All you pretentious metrosexuals can bite me.

As for the Buffets, I have eaten at almost every one on The Strip at least three times, except the worse ones (Imperial Palace).

This is my personal top 7, in order:

1) Wynn (far and away the best on planet earth)
2) Bellagio
3) Paris (slipping, but still solidly in the top tier)
4) Planet Aladdin
5) Mirage
6) Red Rock (good value, off-strip)
7) Rio (sometimes it’s better than others)

Personally, I like seafood, especially king crab legs and massive jumbo shrimp.

The first three are heavy in these food, which is why they top my list.

Wynn is just good for everything. I’ve to find anything that even comes close. Sometimes the Bellagio gives it a run, but Wynn is consistently excellent.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a plane to catch.  I’ve heard through a variety of sources that Los Angeles has “good food there”,  and as an avowed skeptic, I just have to go and see this for myself.

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