ONLINE GAMBLING AND CASINO GUIDE

I remember driving to an off-strip gas station years ago while scoping out houses, looking up at the large sign above the pump canopy, and seeing the word “Terrible’s” staring back at me.

While the gas was flowing into my tank, I went inside the small convenience store to gather some things that I knew we would need on the ride back and I remember remarking to the cashier about the irony of buying something at a place with a name such as “Terrible’s”.

I explained to the cashier that if the gas caused my car to explode and these snacks gave me food poisoning, that I couldn’t very well complain because they had given me fair warning.  I then asked if the name of the establishment was designed to provide a perfect insulation from lawsuits.

I don’t remember what the person behind the counter looked like, but I do remember that they didn’t have any idea what I was talking about.

The ubiquity of the word “Terrible” in this town overshadows the abject ridiculousness of the brand name.

To this day I do not know the history behind the company, but I like to imagine for my own amusement how it may have gone down.

CEO: “Gentlemen, I need a new name for my enterprise … any suggestions?”

R&R Partners (the greatest marketing team ever): “How about Superior Products, Inc.”

CEO: “No, no, that will never do, it will raise people’s expectations.”

R&R: “How about Mediocre Enterprises?”

CEO: “It still gives people hope, keep brainstorming.”

R&R: “How about The Filthy Stinking Rotting Festering Cesspool?”

CEO: “Too long, it will cost a fortune in letterhead.”

R&R: “How about Terrible’s?”

CEO: “Perfect!”

Seriously, this company either has the lowest self-esteem of any corporation on the planet, or they are huge proponents of truth-in-advertising.

Even though Terrible’s Casino is a pretty convenient property to the near-East side, I’ve personally only been to it a handful of times, and only briefly on each of those times.

Today, I visited this oddly named place quite by accident.

Having to pick someone up at the airport this afternoon, I headed south on Paradise.  As I was passing the Convention Center, I looked at my watch and realized that I was a whopping one hour early.

Given that I didn’t want to sit around the terminal watching grandmothers get colonoscopies by the TSA, I figured I would drop by the Hard Rock and spend 45 minutes donating to the local economy.

Unfortunately, and for reasons still unknown to me, Paradise was completely gridlocked and I was pinned into the left lane with traffic not moving whatsoever.

After a couple light cycles of non-movement, I yanked the steering wheel left into the median turn lane, stomped on the gas and yelled “F**k you motherf**kers, I’m going to Terrible’s!”.  Given that I was in the car by myself and nobody heard me, my angry outburst was more pathetic than badass, but it sure as hell sounded gangsta to me.

Once I parked my Porsche and made my way inside the casino, I wasn’t sure what to play.  Terrible’s is a joint that truly maximizes its interior space by putting a slot machine wherever a slot machine will fit.  It reminds me of a more attractive Casino Royale or Slots-A-Fun.  At times I felt like a giant rat in a neon maze.  Fortunately, I still like gaudy.

If I want traditional beauty, I’ll go to New York and stay in The Plaza.  In Vegas, I still prefer “Neon Vomit” decor.

Terrible’s was not crowded at all, and I spent the first 15 minutes just walking around and seeing what was happening.  It still beat the airport.

I circled the gaming pit a few times, tapped out odds at the Video Poker bar, checked the line on the Foreskin game (I believe it was -6), and then headed upstairs.  This may have been the first time I have been upstairs, because I frankly don’t remember the Bingo Hall.

Even though it was early afternoon on a weekday, the 50+ year old crowd was already holding the room down.  The last time I played Bingo was in Elementary School, and I really have no desire to re-learn the game, but in 10 years I may feel differently so I won’t burn any bridges by making derogatory remarks about the game itself.

The only thing I will say about Bingo is this … every player looked F’ing miserable.  If these guys are having fun, they hide it well.

After observing 4/8 Hold ‘Em … I mean Bingo for a whopping 30 seconds and having daggers of hate seared through my soul, I backed out of the room, sat down on a chair and whipped out my laptop to check arriving flight information.

I was happy to see that the second floor of Terrible’s had stellar 3G reception and that the arriving flight was on time, but security seemed perplexed about my using a laptop directly beside a bank of slots.  They didn’t say anything to me, but one guard turned into two, which eventually turned into three.

They looked like they were whispering and debating amongst each other: “I don’t know what he’s doing, you go talk to him … I don’t know what he’s doing why don’t you go ask him … I don’t want to talk to him either, he’s got a MacBook and is obviously one of those homersexuals I heard about on TV.”

I decided to make it easy for them so I quickly shut the case, waved, and said “I’m just checking a flight”.  They still didn’t seem to understand, and I had a convoy down the escalator with three guards in tow still keeping at least a 20′ distance from me.”

Whatever.

This incident does remind me of a time when I was in the Stratosphere earlier this year.  I sometimes carry my machine in my hand like someone would carry a textbook, and when I stopped to play Blackjack at an empty table at the Double Down pit, I put my notebook on the felt in an empty spot and the pit boss freaked out.

He informed me that “technology and casinos don’t mix” and he almost crapped his pants while telling me to put my computer out of sight.

Las Vegas is literally being dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st Century.  I can only imagine how much revenue has been lost from in-room phone charges, and the $10+ they charge for guest wi-fi is an outrageous attempt to make it up.  If I owned a casino, Internet access would be free for all since it’s damn near as much of a modern necessity as running water.

Anyway, with about 20 minutes remaining, I went downstairs and was quickly reminded of another thing that I do like about Terrible’s.  The waitress outfits.  The women wear psuedo-Playboy bunny costumes with bust-enhancing tops and a one-piece design.  I wish they would get rid of the black leggings and show a little more downstairs a/la Suncoast, but the suits are still above average.

With only a little bit of time left, I watched the craps table for a few minutes, then fed a small-denomination bill into a 7/5 Bonus machine which was devoured in short order.

Suffice to say that I obtained my goal of donating to the local economy.

This marks about the 5th time I have spent less than one hour in Terrible’s.  One of these days I am going to have to give the property a real workout, but given that it is located one block from the Hard Rock and only about a mile and a half from the heart of The Strip, I don’t know when this will actually happen.

With its relatively small casino floor and easy-in, easy-out access, it’s a good place to kill time, but the lack of a Poker Room and modest 8/5 JOB based quarter Video Poker doesn’t exactly scream my name.

A few of the waitresses on the other hand, might.

“What do you mean you can’t get it up, Rex, and where’s the rest of it??!!!”

I am if nothing else … a realist.

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