ONLINE GAMBLING AND CASINO GUIDE

This morning, I did something I swore I would never, ever, ever do again.

I played “Limit Poker”.

Actually, I don’t so much detest Limit Poker as I do “Low Limit Poker”.

What is “Low Limit”?

Everyone has their own definition, but for me it’s 2/4, 3/6, and 4/8.  Limits above four eight are playable on some skillful level, but it is important for me to have the “all-in” play in my arsenal, should the need arise.  Without it, quick double, hit-and-run cards is almost impossible to play.

I’ve always maintained that Limit Hold’em is an entirely different game from No-Limit, however, after talking to a friend this weekend, I realized that I may no longer be qualified to offer an opinion on the matter.

Why?

Because I have not played any form of Limit Poker in nearly three years.  Not one, single, solitary hand.

It was entirely possible that I formed my opinion far too early in my Poker “career”, and that with a few more years under my belt, I might posses slightly more experience and wisdom about Poker which would allow me to see the Limit Game in a different light.

Not only that, but a buddy of mine swears to me that he is able to grind out a nice supplemental income each month playing Low Limit Poker, and frankly, I don’t believe him.  I’m not talking behind his back.  I called him a liar to his face.  In the good natured and ball-busting way that friends do, of course, but really and truly … I don’t believe him.

Since Sunday morning is typically when I schedule my “income” Poker sessions, I decided to revisit this game in of all places, The Imperial Palace Poker Room.  Why?  Because my friend swore up and down that this room had the most “fish”.  I loudly protested “What [maternal parent fornicating] non-fish plays Limit?”, but I was again assured that I was misguided.

I arrived at the IP Poker Room, and strode up to find that Limit Poker was indeed being dealt.  To be exact, it was 2/4 Limit only.  Oh joy of joys, the greater of two evils.

The first thing I noticed when I was seated was that nobody seemed to be enjoying themselves at all.  Nobody was talking and everyone was just kind of staring at the table with a blank expression or a frown.  The other thing I noticed was that everyone who plays Low Limit Poker is old.  At 40 years old, I’m no spring chicken, but I was still the youngest person at the table.  The minimum age was probably 50, and there was no maximum age.  I’m pretty sure that some of the players at the table had actually died 12 years ago, but their bodies had somehow rigor-mortized over to the IP.

I drew a seat between a bald guy who didn’t speak under any circumstances, and a blue haired lady with a voice ravaged by decades of smokable tobacco use, who vocally complained about everything.  When I first got to the table she was already yelling at the waitress (something about too much ice), and when I sat down she looked at me with evil grandmotherly scorn, although I have no idea why.  She was just kind of … angry.

Anyway, as I was trying to get into the action, I realized that I had actually forgotten how to play the game.  After thousands of consecutive No-Limit sessions, Limit is a bit confusing.  “Wait, is it $2 to call?”, “How much can I raise?”, “Oh, I have to wait until the next round?”, “But if he raises four dollars, I can re-raise to eight right?” … I felt as if I was playing in my first live Poker game all over again.

The players were not amused at my idiocy, but the dealer chuckled each time.  You could tell that he would rather be Christopher Walken’s proctologist than a Two Four Limit Dealer.

Angry blue hair (ABH for short) was especially annoyed by my neophyte behavior and eventually admonished me to “take a class before sitting with real players”.

I felt compelled to reply with this female reproductive organ beginning with the letter “c”.

“Real players are allowed to raise more than four f**king dollars”, I said in a voice barely louder than a whisper.

Apparently she had her hearing aid dialed to 11, because she immediately requested my ejection from the room.  Even after the dealer said “watch the language please” (with a very bemused look on his face), ABH demanded that the floor be called.

So, the game stopped for a solid two minutes as ABH explained that I had spoken a bad word.  When the floorman eventually asked if I had used profanity,  I informed him that there was no such thing as profanity (which is something that I firmly believe).  When he asked me if I had “used the F word”, I admitted that I had.  “Please don’t do it again”, he said.  “No problem”, I replied.

When the next hand was dealt, I peeked at my AQ suited, and immediately declared “all-in”.  I did this just to anger ABH, and it worked.  She once again called for my ejection, but at this point I had finally loosened up the table.  Everyone except ABH was either smiling or chuckling, and it became apparent to me that the mood of the table before my arrival was probably because ABH was a major buzzkill.  They seemed to enjoy the fact that I was thumbing my nose at her self-appointed gynocratic rule at the $2/$4 kiddie table.

The fun was short lived, though.  ABH got the last laugh.

I lost my entire buy-in.  Albeit slowly.

There was 7-way action minimum on every deal, and because of this, I had pot odds on every hand.  Everyone did.  There was no reason to fold.  When you look at your hand to find 5-3 offsuit, then look up to see $14 in the pot, and it only costs you $2 to call preflop … how can you not take a shot?

The flop probably won’t come 5-5-3, but it could.  All you need is two 5’s, two 3’s, or one of each to come out by the river, and you probably win.  And, of course, you will see the river.  Why wouldn’t you?  You constantly have a favorable pot to bet ratio.

Several times I was dealt premium hands in the pocket … KK, QQ, AK, and there was nothing I could do to narrow the field.  Four dollar raises simply don’t scare anyone who isn’t holding 7-2 or 8-3 offsuit.

Premium hands almost never stand up in Low Limit because damn near everyone sees the river.  People fold after the river when the obvious contenders bet it out, but folding before the river simply doesn’t happen.

I’m sorry, but this is not Poker!

2/4 Limit is Bingo.  Period.

You throw your chips in and a winner is declared on the river based on the cards you have in your own hands.  That’s it.  There is no skill to this game whatsoever.  Before the cards are dealt, everyone has a 10% chance of winning any given hand and the game is played like a slot machine.  There seems to be a tacit agreement among all players that everyone has a 10% chance of winning, and everyone is expected to just throw their chips in until they do win a hand.  Everyone more or less takes turns winning.

“And the river is … five of spades” …. “BINGO! I made my inside straight as evidenced by my whopping $4 bet”.

Jesus Coke Sniffing Christ!

I remembered that old people love Bingo, and this is obviously why they like Low Limit Poker.  It requires no thought whatsoever.  You just sit there and hope your two cards match the cards that the Bingo calling pulls out of the drum.  I’m not even sure why people even bother to look at their own cards.

Then, of course, there’s the rake.

In order to defeat the rake, you have to win more than 10% of the time.  This requires pure luck, and no skill.

To sum it up, I do not know how anyone could ever make any kind of consistent money at this game.  If you have a four leaf clover wedged in your anal cleft, and are really lucky, then you could make money … but the same could be said of Blackjack or any other game.  I still don’t understand how my friend makes money at this game, or even if he does, so I remain skeptical.

After today, I realize that my opinion of the game was correct, and that it is every bit as pointless as I thought it was.  It’s not so much a game as it is a way to kill time.

Today also represents the last time I will ever play Limit Poker.  At least until I am fifty years old, senile, and intimidated by a cranky post-menopausal chimney.  That seems to be a prerequisite for succeeding at this game and winning against “real” players.

Or maybe I should just take a class.

• Keep updated through Newsletter or on Facebook

  E-mail:
  

  Subscribe
  Unsubscribe