Boys Will Be Boys
January 27, 2010
Years ago I was riding in the passenger seat of an automobile while a young female was behind the wheel.
We were on our way from Washington to New York, and like most people, we took I-95 north.
As we were coming off the downward span of the Delaware Memorial Bridge (which links Delaware with New Jersey), apparently we picked up too much speed. We had not been in New Jersey for more than 2 minutes when police lights lit up the rear view mirror.
When the officer came to the window, my female friend immediately developed tears in her eyes and explained to the officer that she had a fear of bridges, and was just trying to get off of it as quickly as possible. She kept apologizing, lamenting what was going to happen to her driving record and car insurance, and before I knew it, the officer let her off with a warning.
As soon as the trooper got back into his car, she turned to me and said “sucker”.
If there is one thing I have learned in life, it is that no creature in the known universe has an easier life than the attractive female. These creatures are a privileged class, and no matter how much they boo-hoo over inequity, there is no way in hell that they would ever trade places with any other demographic on the planet.
Men will do anything for them. Women will do anything for them. Society will do anything for them.
Had JonBenet Ramsey been an ugly child, you would never have heard her name. Thousands of women are reported missing every year, but the hot ones get a CNN-led manhunt. If the mother/husband/boyfriend of the missing woman has a picture of her smiling, she’ll be omnipresent on the TV screen, and we’ll all tune in every night to see if the darling has yet been found … bless her heart.
Attractive women get jobs easily, but they probably don’t need them. There is no such thing as a very attractive homeless woman. All she needs to do is sit on the corner and look pretty, and she will have a home, a car, and an Amex Gold card by the end of the day.
“Rex, you’re a sexist.”
This accusation is a red herring, and it does not mean that what I am saying is false. A person can be sexist and right (however the former term is defined). I’m also a realist. I’m a 41 year old guy, and I have done a lot of things and processed a large amount of information in my lifetime. I have tried to learn something from every life experience. I’ve been there, done that, and I have the passport stamps on my psyche to show for it.
Because of this, I may be the only male on the planet who is actively biased against attractive women. I don’t find it cute when they pout and I could not care less what an unknown attractive woman has to say, unless what she has to say is “Would you like to motorboat my boobs?”.
Of course, these privileged creatures are great to look at, but there is little that I will actually do for them that I would not do for a wildebeest. It may even be the opposite. If the car of a supermodel and the car of a pug-fugly woman were to break down in front of my house at the same time, I would probably assist the grotesque creature first.
The State of Nevada will send the SWAT team to rescue the damsel, but they will ticket the repugnant buttereverything for obstructing traffic.
“This is all utterly fascinating, Rex … but does it have a point?”
Yes, yes it does. Bear with me.
Earlier tonight, I jumped into a NL hold’em game. The table was comprised of 8 other dudes and one female. The female was attractive, 24-ish, thin, long hair, largish knockers, somewhere in the 8.5-9 range on the looks scale.
Men Playing Poker with an Attractive Female
She was also wearing an incredibly revealing top, at which all of the males stared or snuck peeks at. Not only that, but she was openly asking for advice on how to play the game and it was being tolerated by everyone at the table, including the dealer. I, of course, immediately took a disliking to her.
“Rex, sell the MacBook before it’s too late. Steve Jobs is eviscerating your testicles like he’s done to every other Mac user. I would kill to have a hot piece of tail at my table.”
Frankly, I find the “tee-hee, I’m just a girl” routine insufferable and insulting. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy pleasure pits and eye candy as much as the next guy … but once they try to play me, I flip off like a light switch. This is why I don’t enjoy strip clubs that much. The hustle doesn’t work and just annoys me. I enjoy watching them shake it, but as soon as the women open their mouths, I want to leave. I don’t care how round her butt is, as soon as she crouches down and lyingly tells me how handsome I am, I’m flaccid. Manipulation, or perceived manipulation simply does not work on me. At least I don’t think it does. I guess if it did, I wouldn’t know.
Unfortunately, most (all?) men act like puppies with a new bone as soon as a hot chick sits near them. None of these men have ever tapped hot ass before. It is obvious.
The great Dallas Cowboys coach Tom Landry used to forbid his players from celebrating after scoring a touchdown.
“When you get in the end zone, act like you’ve been there before”, he said.
I think this was sage advice. People can judge your past success by the way you react to current success. If you win a $300 pot, and gloat about it, you’ve probably not won many $300 pots. People will instantly have less respect for you, and your win is more likely to be chalked up to being beginner’s luck or a fluke.
In a similar vein, for Christ’s sake guys, when an attractive female sits at a table, act like you have been around attractive females before. Your idealization and exultation of her is unwarranted. Her farts still stink. I promise. She still wipes her smelly ass after a bout of diarrhea, and she still has a disgusting period once a month. Humans are gross creatures. All of them.
There is nothing more pathetic than 10 grown guys sitting around a table fawning over the lone female like they are having a waking wet dream. Do you think she respects that? No, she thinks you are a loser who only sees women like her when you are jerking off. She considers you an imbecile, and she plays you accordingly. Please, if you find yourself in this situation, do anything other than treat her like a damn goddess or infant.
Ask her if she’s tried Jenny Craig because it can really help her “lose that holiday weight”. Tell her that she looks like your sister, and then go on to explain that your sister works for the National Organization for Women. Trust me, hot women know that there is no such thing as an attractive feminist, otherwise, hot women would be feminists. Tell her that you’re gay (or just flash your iPhone at her, same difference).
Better yet, just ignore her or treat her as you would treat me …. like crap.
She is your opponent. Your adversary. She already has a better life than you do, and now she wants your money. Why on earth would you softplay or help such a creature? What happened to jealousy and resentment? I don’t care what anyone says, neither of these emotions are bad things.
If I sound hostile at the moment, it is because I am. I’m sick of you dudes who need to whack off twice before sitting at a poker table, lest you soil your pants at the sight of the first human female that passes by.
Back to the poker session …
I, as usual, played my standard brand of cards. Tight.
I sat back and watched as the “girl” bet out of turn, showed her cards, and string bet as everybody just found it ohhh … sooo … adorable. It was like I was playing at the table with a baby seal.
When I finally caught a hand that I wanted to play (K-K), I threw a mid-sized bet into the pot, and the cards were folded around to funbags.
I was the only person at the table who had not spoken to her at this point, and she looked at me long and hard with a coy smile that was supposed to invoke some reaction from me other than contempt. It failed.
She looked at my bet, looked at me, then looked around the table.
Then, it happened.
“Honey, I ain’t seen him bet a single hand yet. That probably means he has something good”, said the stupid f***king anus sitting across from me.
After a few more moments of concentration, she said “Hmmmm, okay, I trust you”, and then mucked her cards.
Everyone else followed suit, and I won the whopping blinds.
I looked at the analmonkey sitting across from me, and in a calm-yet-irritated voice, I said “Really? Do you really think she’s going to suck your dick now for the swell advice?”
Given that this was the first thing out of my mouth the entire session, people were taken aback. I think they thought I had Tourette’s, because nobody had the slightest clue as to why I was upset. Not even the dealer. People are so conditioned to help the poor waif in the woods, that they don’t even do it consciously.
Had this interaction involved two men, the entire table would have been up in arms for violating the “one player to a hand rule”.
I told you this story had a moral, and it does:
It doesn’t matter where you’re from, how old you are, your level of education, or what you do for a living … men … you’re still a bunch of suckers.
Written by TheRizz on January 27, 2010 at 8:21 am
That is complete BS. Too bad the other guy couldn’t just enjoy the view and keep his mouth shut.
Written by Disco Stu on January 27, 2010 at 10:19 am
Cynical? Yes. Wrong? No. Very sound advice. Be nice to everyone and be wary of someone trying to play you. The Tom Landry quote is particularly appropriate.
This whole post can be summarized in the title of a Dr. Dre song: “Bitches Ain’t Shit”.
Written by tully on January 27, 2010 at 12:10 pm
Oh man……take it you racked up and left? Not much point in staying at that table. Looking on the bright side—-she could have called with Ace rag, rivered the ace, and you would have lost. You didn’t win anything, but didn’t lose a bundle, either.
Written by keith on January 27, 2010 at 12:19 pm
” This is why I don’t enjoy strip clubs that much. The hustle doesn’t work and just annoys me. I enjoy watching them shake it, but as soon as the women open their mouths, I want to leave.”
Opie & Anthony said it best – you pay the women in the strip clubs to keep their mouths shut.
Written by Limey on January 27, 2010 at 1:01 pm
You’re right; you never see an ugly bitch on the arms of a pop star, billionaire or celebrity. In the old days when I was young and single and I and my mate used to pick up chicks, I would always let him choose the best one. Whilst he got nowhere with her I would always end up bedding her plain ugly mate, and lets face it, in the dark they all look the f……g same anyway……Limey
Written by FleaStiff on January 27, 2010 at 1:58 pm
>“Honey, I ain’t seen him bet a single hand yet. That probably means he has something good”,
Do you think perhaps the girl already realized this?
Written by Michael on January 27, 2010 at 2:39 pm
Holy Christ, Rex, sometimes when I read your blog it sounds like I’m listening to myself. I’m really sorry that these horny asshats gave you a hard time, and I REALLY hope you didn’t get in trouble for that comment (I imagine some no-profanity poker rooms would kick you out).
Stories like this really piss me off, so I’d like to share a similar one that you will appreciate, being as much of a fan of the LVMPD as I am.
About 10 years ago or so, my mother was waiting in her car at a stoplight (Flamingo and Koval I think–near the Terrible Casino) when she saw an old woman crossing the street. Then she saw a car RUN THE RED LIGHT and smack right into the old woman, killing her instantly. Chaos ensued, police and paramedics were called, and when the police came to the scene, my mother got out of her car and went up to them. She said: “you know, I saw everything and that car just ran a red light and hit the old woman immediately.” The cop just chuckled a little and said, “don’t worry–we’re taking care of it.” My mother was a bit surprised, and said, “don’t you want my statement?” to which the cop replied, “no, we’ve already figured out that it was an honest mistake so we’re going to let her go with a warning.”
Needless to say, the driver of the car was an incredibly gorgeous young woman.
Written by philipj on January 27, 2010 at 2:55 pm
I am reminded of a slightly plump fluffy titted blonde who hustled constantly. At a supper one evening 4 guys were trying to get in her pants. She took up a story about needing $1500.00 for a job tomorrow. If she had the $1500.00 she would repay $2500.00 next weekend. Two weeks later the guys came to see me about this, with her note to pay in hand. The loan was drawn out, $1500 for $2500.00 over a matter of two weeks. They wanted to know if they had enough on her for their trip to the Prosecutor’s office. I pointed out that they were delivering a note, signed by each of them saying that four white guys were charging a poor lady ‘userous” amount of interest. Only then did they realize that the “evidence note” would incriminate them. And they realized their dream came true, she f///ed each of them.
Written by ChuckReis on January 27, 2010 at 3:48 pm
Oddly enough, she did suck his dick after that.
Written by ColinFromLasVegas on January 27, 2010 at 4:27 pm
Damn you, Rex! You raised too much of a chuckle out of me this morning. Spit a bit of coffee on the computer screen.
When you live in Las Vegas, you can spot things. When things are just a slight bit out of cattywompers and askew, and just in the slightest way don’t fit in there right, it raises an alarm. It seems your alarm is working pretty good. Basically, a lot of us that live in Las Vegas can’t be razzle dazzled. Because we’ve seen it. And we’ve seen it all in different variations.
This is another example. This gal had assets, knew she had assets and she used said assets to the best advantage she had. Well, maybe not ASSets, but you know what I mean. And anyways she was so good at it, she had everybody rallying around her and assisting her with her game too.
Nice article. I’d like to re-print some lyrics of a blues song performed by Ry Cooder called the “The Very Thing That Makes You Rich.” Perhaps (or perhaps not), they may be appropriate in this instance.
“My father told me
Lying on his bed of death
He said, Son?
A woman, she’s gonna make it
Don’t fool yourself
‘Cause she has something
That makes a man
Lay that money
Right in her hand
The very thing that makes her rich
Makes you poor
The very thing that makes her rich
Makes you poor”
Written by ColinFromLasVegas on January 27, 2010 at 4:31 pm
By the way, in the lower right hand corner of the picture, the guy sitting at the table with his back to the camera drinking something, looks like Rush Limbaugh, but not as fat.
Written by Rex on January 27, 2010 at 4:37 pm
>“Honey, I ain’t seen him bet a single hand yet. That probably means he has something good”,
Do you think perhaps the girl already realized this?
Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t. I have no way of knowing. This is why the rule exists. To prevent people from have to factor in teamplay.
I got up and left after the hand.
If I let it happen a second time … I’m the idiot.
Written by MrCdnVegas on January 27, 2010 at 5:18 pm
Rex
Did you say anything to the dealer?
I know it would have been a no-win conversation but I would have at least bitched about it.
The rest of the guys at the table “maybe” have an excuse, but the dealer should have been doning somehting about her play, and the players helping her.
You talking about his also reminds me of watching guys at a bar or nite club.
I see all these dumb ass guys buying drinks for these hot chicks thinking that buying this woman a drink it will make her come home with them. Even worse is the hot chick that goes around ASKING guys to buy her drinks…..and these guys do.
Guy’s next time one of these chicks asks you to buy her a drink, answer by asking if she is going to come home with you if you buy her a drink and watch how fast she changes her mind about the drink.
Written by Russ on January 27, 2010 at 7:01 pm
I looked at the analmonkey sitting across from me, and in a calm-yet-irritated voice, I said “Really? Do you really think she’s going to suck your dick now for the swell advice?”
That is freakin’ priceless!!! The dumb SOB probably thought she would.
Written by Tom Woolf on January 27, 2010 at 7:23 pm
First time I’ve read this blog. I hope I have the presence of mind to react like Rex if something like that ever happens to me.
Written by Joe Blow on January 27, 2010 at 8:16 pm
I thought I was one of the only guys in the world that felt that way. I was at an industry event for my employer and was introduced to this really hot piece of ass who started telling me that I looked like a “bad boy” before trying to get me to put my career on the line by risking a million dollars of my employer’s money with “her” business which I later found out was completely financed by her husband, yet he lets her be the figurehead “CEO”.
When I told my boss later on how I hated being patronized by hot women like that, he insisted that most guys would have loved it.
At least now I know I’m not alone.
Written by coolpacific on January 27, 2010 at 8:35 pm
Also, it’s not like there aren’t thousands of drop gutted, balding male poker players out there that are infinitely better than Jennifer Tilley. She’s awful and she is not on TV 24/7 because folks are interested in her mad poker playing skillz. Same for the likes of Vanessa Rousso and Isabelle Mercier and the rest of them.
In fact, I would be willing to bet that almost every female poker player to gain “celebrity poker player” status post 2004, is an 8 or higher. And because they managed to get hit over the head with the deck or fold their way to a top ten finish once proves nothing. They aren’t making their living from prize money…
Written by George on January 27, 2010 at 9:53 pm
Vanessa Rousso is the real deal. Obviously she gets more attention because she is a looker, but disrespect her poker skills at your own peril.
Good looking males have advantages as well. I will never forget being in a crowded beer line at a crowded party back in college. Everybody was somewhat packed in trying to get to the keg. A guy near me me grabbed the ass of an attractive girl in front of him. I saw the disgusted look of hate on her face as she turned around to face her molester. But as soon as she saw that the guy was a tall good looking dude her demeaner completely changed as her grimace instantly turned into a coy smile.
For the most part I agree with Rex though. The only exception is that there are some attractive women out there who are genuine and do not get off on using their looks to manipulate men.
Written by coolpacific on January 28, 2010 at 12:49 am
Some of these women can play a little poker no doubt. However they aren’t commanding appearance fees because the poker playing public (98% male) want to see how well they perform. They are eye candy.
All in all, I think the concept of a “poker celebrity”, male or female, epitomizes in many ways what is wrong with our culture – 15 years ago most of them were nothing more than degenerate gamblers living on the fringes of society. However, that’s another topic all together.
Written by Lance on January 28, 2010 at 3:19 pm
There should be a consequence for talking about the hand when you are not in it. You have to double the pot including all bets. Bunch of suckers. I play harder against them.
Written by Greg on January 29, 2010 at 2:30 am
Wow – I’m glad there are a lot of guys who feel the same way. If the lady found her way to Vegas, she can’t be that naive. And ignorance, whether feigned or real, is nothing to celebrate.
Written by tombrokaw on January 29, 2010 at 11:52 pm
I can attest to this 100%.
Whenever my gf and I sit down at a poker table, that half of the table has to hit on her and chat her up. x10 if anyone has been drinking.
It amuses me and I’m not offended. I don’t talk to my gf or have a burning desire to do so when playing poker either, I’m all about focusing on the game. that might be part of why people don’t think we are together.
Another thing is that 80% of the time when she folds a big bet to someone, they show her a good hand as a courtesy, as if to say “don’t worry you did the right thing honey, I didn’t trick you.”
Nobody has ever showed me a hand after I folded a big bet. They just let me wonder if I made a huge error.
Written by sixxgirl on February 3, 2010 at 12:34 pm
i’m female and fairly attractive, although not super top heavy. But my comment is the same. I hate that” I’m pretty, please do it for me “shit. it pisses me off just thinking about it.