ONLINE GAMBLING AND CASINO GUIDE

A couple of weeks ago it was the Encore, after that it was the Flamingo, this weekend it has been the Golden Gate.  For whatever reason, I tend to go to the same places in spurts.  I have been to the Golden Gate three times in the last four days.

Now, before I “review” the Golden Gate, I need to preface my comments.

People think that I am a critical guy, but this is actually not true. For the most part, I do not like critics.  “Critics” are generally people who wish they had talent in a particular field … don’t … yet still want to be relevant.  The role of “critic” was made for this person.  Be it art, music, or acting … most of the critics have one thing in common.  They have no appreciable first-hand experience or success in the field that they are critiquing.

When Nirvana’s “Nevermind” came out, Boston Globe “critic” Steve Morse wrote, and I quote “The band has little or nothing to say, settling for moronic ramblings by singer-lyricist Cobain.”

Of course, at that point in history, the country was absorbed in the latest and greatest Steve Morse album which was full of … wait, Morse never made an album.  Nevermind.  (Get it? I used the name of the album.  I am sooooo clever.)

It is very rare for me to come out and say “this show sucks”, “that hotel sucks”, etc.  I make fun of everything, but I have to have a particularly bad experience to honestly dislike something.  Despite some opinions to the contrary, I actually look for the good in a property, and I tend to not sweat the small things that might bother other people.  Except for 6:5, which I am working on.

My point?

I get a lot of personal criticism from people along the lines of “Come on Rex, the Gold Spike and El Cortez suck.  They must be paying you to say good things because nobody else likes those places  except you.”

Or “Damn, Rex, how can you possibly like Danny Gans?  I thought you had taste.  That is the worst show I have ever seen.”

On the flipside, I get criticism because I do not splooge myself when things are great either.   I don’t like demigods.  In my opinion, Steve Wynn is not a genius.  He just has a lot of money.  For  a couple of billion dollars, I could build the Encore.  So could you.  There is no doubt in my mind.

It comes down to this.  In Las Vegas, the majority of things are one of two things:

1. Grossly overrated
2. Grossly underrated

There is just no in-between or moderation in this town.  Therefore, when I call things as I personally see them, at least half of the people get up in arms.

I more or less take things in stride because after being here for awhile, I more or less know what to expect.  I am rarely impressed or disappointed.   Places just are what they are.  Casinos have far more similarities than differences.

“Jesus Rex, what the hell was all that about?”

It is simply a preface to some of the hotels/casinos I will be talking about in the future.  Personally, I sometimes like gambling in more obscure properties like the Golden Gate, the Aztec, Slots-O-Fun, etc.

When you read about these properties elsewhere, you will no doubt hear things like “Smells like urine – avoid at all costs!”, or “Only losers and meth-addicts go there!”, and similar statements. If I have learned anything from reading online reviews of Las Vegas … it’s that the people doing the reviewing appear to have spent precious little time in the places they make such bold statements about.

To this day, I have yet to play Blackjack with an 8 year old sitting by my side at Circus Circus.

I try to be a little more realistic and I honestly base my opinions on what I personally see with my own two eyes, and I never take the consensus of others into account.  The Internet has created a huge bandwagon effect, and it can quickly become “cool” to hate or like a property in a viral manner simply by following the trend.  Nobody wants to be the odd man out.

Which finally brings me to the Golden Gate.  It sucks, as does the rest of filthy, stinking Downtown.

Sorry, I was just trying not to be too predictable.

The truth is, I like the Golden Gate.  It is one of the oldest and most historic hotels in Nevada, but it’s not terribly popular with the average tourist.  It’s clean, the dealers are competent, and when the tables get going, it can be quite entertaining.

This weekend, I also did something at the Gate that I have not done in about three or four years.  I entered a Golden Gate Room.

The rooms remind me a bit of studio hotels in Manhattan.  The rooms are very small … not much more than 100 square feet.  You pretty much have a bed, a TV, and a bathroom.  There is no room whatsoever to walk around.  Having lived in just such a place for several years, this does not bother me.  However, people used to MGM Grand Jacuzzi Suites will consider this room indistinguishable from being homeless or living in an alley.  Guide yourself accordingly.

The hallways are also a bit dingy and un-inviting, and the elevator scared me just a little bit.  The sound of metal-on-metal typically does not bother me unless I am inside a locked box made of … metal.

Those negatives duly noted, I think it is very cool to be able to poke your head out of your window and watch the Fremont Street Experience light show.  Like any urban accommodation, what this place lacks in size, it makes up for in location.  It’s a very short walk to all of the Fremont action, and if you don’t want to put on pants (and who does?) … you can just poke your head out of the window.

My buddy got this thing for the low, low price of … nothing.  Well, he had to pay all of the nonsense taxes and fees, but it was damn near free.  If I was still a tourist, I would be all over this place like Bill Clinton on fat chicks.

Of course, the Golden Gate is also (in)famous for something else.  The 99 cent shrimp cocktail.  This was a staple of frugal people for years, and it was possibly the best bargain in town.  Of course, inflation being what it is, the cocktail is now $1.99 … but it is still worth the extra dollar.

Last but not least … gambling.  GG gambling is standard Downtown fare, which is to say, cheap.

Gambling is also what I did today.  I had to meet someone for breakfast at a nearby property, and afterward I noticed a rousing game of Craps taking place at the Gate.  For some reason, it was the only game going on.  The Blackjack and Roulette tables were completely vacant, but the Craps table was fully juiced.

I bought in for a little, and even accepted the dice when it was my turn to shoot.  I was in a good mood. I was confident, and I felt like a pimp.  This being the case, I grabbed those dice like the Vegas hustler that I am, rolled those bones like a pro, and … hit someone in the forehead.

To my great credit, I only hit him in the head with one die.

It’s always one die.  One always lands perfectly, and the other looks like it is trying to escape the earth’s gravitational pull.

I can’t put my finger on why, but lately I’ve been shooting dice like Helen Keller.  People around town are getting a little tired of me shooting the dice.  As in “shooting”, literally.  Someone told me that  it looks like I am jerking off when I throw the dice, and that may be the problem.  I spanked my monkey and it spanked me back.  I tend to lose control at that particular moment.  I really need to work on it.

Work on shooting the dice, not the other thing.  I already have that perfected.

Anyway, I can’t complain because in a very short amount of time, I walked away from the Golden Gate with twice as much as I went in with.

This brings me to my favorite thing about any casino.  Winning.

I would rather win at the dirtiest casino in town, than lose at the most opulent.  That’s one opinion that I doubt will ever change, and I am living proof that it can happen at the Golden Gate.

Next time you are in town, give the place a try.

Whatever you do, don’t mention my name, though. Everybody will immediately hit the floor, or throw their hands in front of their face in an act of self-defense.

Seriously, I need to take a class or something to get my shooting rhythm back.

If only there was someplace in Las Vegas offering classes.  Preferably a public institution.  Preferably one with a large pecker that I could use as a point of reference.

If only such a place existed …

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