Life in the Slow Lane
March 5, 2010
Earlier tonight, I engaged in a bit of ghetto gambling.
This was not the “play at the Western” version of ghetto gambling, instead, it was the cheap person version. Ghetto gambling is gaming that has all the fun of gambling, without any of the risk or reward. My own personal rendition of ghetto gambling involves taking only $20 to a local casino (usually the Sahara or Stratosphere) without an ATM card or even a wallet.
Then, I play along these lines:
I start out with $20, and I begin playing at a $3 or $5 table. I play a few hands until I double up or lose 50%. Unfortunately, I do not tip during these minor sessions unless I go on a big streak, and even then it’s no more than a couple of bucks.
If I double up, I pocket $20, and then proceed to play with “free” money at whatever low-limit game I feel like playing. The worst I can do is break-even on the session.
If I get dinged for 50% early, I go to the $1 BJ tables or nickel Video Poker machines. If I manage to double up at these tables or machines, I go back to a “higher” limit ($3-$5) BJ table and repeat the process. If I lose it all … I stop playing.
At times, I have been able to make a single $20 bill last two hours while ghetto gambling, while getting the occasional free drink in the process.
The thing about my gambling is that even though I have dogshit luck with regards to jackpots, I have pretty good luck with regards to moderate wins. I’ve never walked away from any machine a big winner, but I’ve hit enough quads to keep me damn near even on a long-term basis. When it comes to table games like Blackjack, I rarely go on 10 hand winning streaks, but it does seem like I win slightly more than 50% of the hands that I play. At least it feels that way. I don’t keep copious records.
Gamblers like to mentally minimize their losses so they don’t feel like degenerate losers, and I’m probably nowhere near as “break-even good” as I think I am, but self-delusion gives us balance. If I hadn’t convinced myself long ago that a 2″ penis was perfectly normal, I would have three Porsches in my garage and two iPads on pre-order.
Anyway, tonight, I had a less than stellar ghetto gambling session. I lost two hands in a row of $5 Blackjack at the Sahara, and I took my remaining funds to an area of the casino known as “Locals Lane”. Locals Lane is a place of questionable merit. It doesn’t seem to have appreciably better odds than the tourist machines, and drink service seems to be non-existent, but at least it has that “yeah, I’ve been to the Rainbow Curve and lived to tell about it” street-cred vibe going on.
Sahara Casino - Locals Lane
Locals Lane - Penny Video Poker
After plugging ten bucks into the nearest penny VP machine I could find, I proceeded to play my way out of a hole. Full house, straight, straight, full house, it was kind of strange. Twice, I had straights dealt on the first hand. It was almost as if the game was under investigation by the Nevada Gaming Commission for not dealing enough straights/full houses.
After working my way up from $10 to about $17, my phone vibrated and I pulled it out of my rectum to check the screen. I had a message, and I had to go.
I smacked the “cash out” button, and when I got within 6 feet of the hybrid Ticket Redemption/ATM, a lady who was also approaching the cash pylon quickly sped up and sprinted to get in front of me at the machine. Whatever, how long could it take for someone to cash out?
Sahara Casino - Hybrid Ticket Redemption/ATM (not lady being mentioned)
Apparently, the answer to that question is … a long, long time.
First the lady fed a TITO ticket into the machine, got her cash, and then faked me out. After putting the redeemed money into her purse, she almost left, thought better of it, and then whipped out her ATM card to get more cash.
DOH!
Women operate ATM machines roughly twice as well as they drive … in other words … very poorly. Some 30 years after the ubiquity of said machines, ladies still seem to be perpetually confused by the pictures and numbers on the screen. After agreeing to the $4 fee, this particular woman stared at the machine, and stared, and stared, and stared.
After about 30 seconds of her looking like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck, I let out a groan. I thought it was really quiet and under my breath, but the woman turned around and said “Is there a problem?”.
“I’m familiar with this machine, do you need any help?”, I asked, actually being marginally sincere.
“I know how to use an ATM machine”, she said.
“Apparently not very well”, I replied.
“There are other cash machines in this building”, she retorted.
“Good point, I’ll go find the one without your name on it”, I replied.
She yammered something in response, but I didn’t really listen to or look at her. Instead, I stuffed the ticket in my pocket and will redeem it on my next visit to the Sahara. I was out of patience.
This brings me to a point.
Why does every slow-ass motherf***er on the planet bust their ass to get to the head of every line they encounter?
Is it because they think we will be as slow as they are, and they don’t want to wait behind themselves?
I can (and do) cash out in 15 seconds. I have my ATM card or ticket ready, and I know what I am going to do before I even get to the machine. I think everyone should. It just makes logical sense.
Operating an ATM is not rocket science. Put in your PIN, punch in the amount, take your money, and GO!
What in the hell is the problem?
Here is another tip to our female population out there:
Ladies, when you wait in line at the store and finally get to the cashier, don’t act like you have been caught by surprise when the clerk asks for money. It never ceases to amaze me when people dig to the bottom of their purse to find their checkbook or wallet after the clerk has spent 10 minutes scanning their items.
Really? I mean, did you really not anticipate that you would have to pay for your merchandise?
What did you think was going to happen?
Did you expect the clerk to high-five you and send you on your way with your purchases?
“Oh well, golly gee let me conduct a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse for my wallet!”
Imbeciles.
Anyway, because of my impatience, I am temporarily out $17 in actual cash, but this does give me the option of taking absolutely nothing to the Sahara on my next trip except for a ticket and my cellphone.
I mean, if I can ghetto gamble with twenty dollars, seventeen should also be doable.
It was recently pointed out to me that my “no wallet” logic was flawed because I would not be able to collect on a jackpot without an ID, but the way I look at it, I will never have a shot at a jackpot unless it’s a pain in the ass for me to collect. If by chance I do hit a royal, I imagine the casino would let me go home and get my wallet … at which point I would promptly be run over by a bus while crossing Sahara Ave.
Last but not least, the answer to your question is: yes.
I am still available for motivational speaking engagements and diversity training seminars.
Written by The Fonz on March 5, 2010 at 7:05 am
Why is it that when I pull up behind somebody at a drive-thru ATM, 50% of the time I am behind somebody who is trying to apply for a damn mortgage on the machine. I need less than 60 seconds at the machine, on a slow day, yet I end up waiting for the chucklehead who has 15 transactions to do at the ATM. It’s why I started hitting the ATM on the way home late at night, withdrawing $300, and taking pocket cash as I need it from my stash. Rather than go every time I want $40, I grab it from the stash and save myself the hassle. This doesn’t work if I’m out and about and in need of cash, but I spend far less time at ATM machines these days, and my life is better for it. http://fonziesjukebox.blogspot.com/2008/07/i-hate-atm-machines.html
Written by Alex on March 5, 2010 at 8:51 am
+1
Nice story about our loved females and the ones that are not so lovely. It’s the same in Germany – I think it’s the same all over the world.
So girls please take out your money before seeing the digits on the checkout. I guess that You are not surprised about the hundreds of dollars you spent!.
Greetz from Germany
Written by Troy in Las Vegas on March 5, 2010 at 11:33 am
That is Ghetto Gambling? That is like a typical session for me.
Last night at Aliente $5 in lasted a good hour.
Good times.
Written by buttnugget on March 5, 2010 at 12:09 pm
Give her a break, Rex. Judging from your picture of her she was probably trying to figure out if she wanted to withdraw the entire $10 in her account or just half.
Written by keith on March 5, 2010 at 12:52 pm
the only thing worse than a woman sitting in front of an ATM for 5 minutes, is when they finish their transaction, you see their window roll up, and then they leave their car parked in front of the ATM for 5 minutes. If you have shit to do, drive on, or at least pull up 10 feet.
Written by Big Pauly on March 5, 2010 at 4:05 pm
+1….a scene I’ve seen several times at the Seminole Hard Rock over here in east Tampa.
Written by Limey on March 5, 2010 at 4:29 pm
I once did some ghetto gambling on the slots in New York New York and I managed to make a $20 bill last nearly 3hrs. I can’t remember if I came off winning but I know I did leave the casino feeling like I had value for my money….Limey
Written by Parchedearth on March 5, 2010 at 9:43 pm
Similar problem with casino/hotel check-in lines. It usually takes me about 2 minutes to check-in by simply having my license and CC in-hand. Despite observing intently and asking numerous times I cannot figure out why some people take upwards of 15minutes to check-in. Even if they were making reservations and buying show tickets it shouldn’t take that long. Infuriating.
Written by ClownHo on March 5, 2010 at 9:51 pm
It’s amazing how clueless people are when it comes to ATMs and the rest of the world.
Written by tully on March 6, 2010 at 1:30 am
I must be an atypical female—-I use self checkout whenever I can, because I’m faster than the cashiers. Probably takes me 10 seconds max, to pay with a debit card.
A few weeks ago, my debit card was compromised, and was without it for about a week until the new one arrived. Mostly used cash, but had to write a check for groceries. Absolutely cringed at the thought of holding people up, even a few seconds. Had the check filled out and signed before the clerk finished, and only had to fill in the amount. Still felt bad about delaying the people behind me by that much.
Nothing more annoying than a woman who doesn’t go rooting around in her monster purse for the checkbook/debit card until the clerk gives her the purchase total..
Written by J. Louise on March 6, 2010 at 3:17 am
They must have started Local’s Lane after I moved out of Vegas–sound like a nice feature! Too bad they don’t have their buffet anymore. It wasn’t great, but it sure was cheap.
Written by Phouchg on March 6, 2010 at 4:16 am
My best ghetto gambling session was in 2006 at the Flaming O when I was down to my final 15 cents (yes, $0.15) of my bankroll for the trip. It was 1030pm and I was driving home to So Cal the next morning to get to work. I put the 15 cent ticket into a Price Is Right Machine and played 3 nickel lines. Huh. bonus round, OK…
Byy the time I went to bed at 1am the 15 cents turned into about $50 and then a few spins at a dollar machine yielded a $700 payout. Some BJ, craps and more slots and I walked to my room with $1,100 in my wallet. Needless to say, I called in sick the next day.
Written by coolpacific on March 8, 2010 at 9:15 pm
Also, once you have received your cash from the machine move along. Why is it that some women think that it is perfectly acceptable to stand in front of the machine and reorganize their purse?
Written by Aaron on March 8, 2010 at 10:02 pm
Hey Rex……..maybe I can get you on board my “single guy line” idea for supermarkets……..single guys only, no friends, no wives, no girlfriends, no checks, atm would be allowed but frowned upon……just single guys and their cash limit 5 items, because single guys go to the supermarket for about the same 5 things: beer/booze, milk, a single meat product, (sometimes) a fruit/vegetable, and something the wife forgot to buy.
Written by Russ on March 8, 2010 at 10:05 pm
People seem to have this “I’m the most important person in the world” complex. You see it everywhere. You would think that one extra person in front of them will completely destroy their entire schedule.
That being said, nothing is more fun to me than a drag race to the ATM, cashier line, buffet or any other place for that matter. I walk at my usual pace, and if I see someone speed up to try to get there first, I try to cut them off. At 6’2″ i rarely get any comments, but it’s fun listening to people loose their minds because I cost them another minute or so. If I arrive at the same time as another person, I’ll usually let them go first, but if they are going to be a douche bag, game on!!!
Written by SPRUNT on March 17, 2010 at 8:45 am
Aaron said: “…ATM would be allowed but frowned upon……”
Ass to mouth is always frowned upon.
Well, maybe sometimes, in the heat of the moment, ass to mouth is OK. In the heat of the moment.