ONLINE GAMBLING AND CASINO GUIDE

Ah, the question mark headline … the new staple of Las Vegas media sensationalism.

Far be it from me not to follow the trend.

Earlier this month, “a gaming attorney” named Thomas Smock simply mentioned among other things, possibly lowering Nevada’s gaming age from 21 to 18.

It never got past the “mentioning” stage, but for a week afterward, this headline was screaming across every newspaper and blog even remotely associated with Las Vegas:

“Nevada to Lower Gambling Age to 18?”

No, there was never any serious consideration to lower Nevada’s gambling age. The newspaper said the idea was “floated”.

“Floated?”

What does that mean?

I’ll tell you what it means … it means nothing.

It didn’t matter though. It made for good headlines.

These days, you can put any kind of nonsense in a headline, and disclaim all responsibility so long as you simply put a question mark at the end.

I’ve been waiting for awhile to use this one:

“Steve Wynn Caught Sodomizing Goat?”

Hey, you can’t fault me. I put a question mark at the end … I was clearly asking a question instead of making a statement.

But I digress.

Given that the issue was only “floated” like the bowel movement of a Mirage dolphin, and was therefore complete non-news, I decided to take a pass on commenting on the issue until the hype died down. It was much more fun to sit back and watch the pundits clamor all over themselves to explain why it should or shouldn’t happen.

“But they can fight in the army and vote!”, said some people.

“It will encourage young people to gamble!”, said others.

As I read through the opinion columns, one thing struck me as odd.

Nobody. I mean NOBODY, in any newspaper or website ever asked a question that has always been a mystery to me, which is … why in the hell is there a gambling age at all?

I have kids. Would I have a problem with them sticking a quarter in a slot machine?

Hell no.

Why would I?

What’s the worst that could happen? They lose a quarter.

What’s the best that could happen? A frigging jackpot.

I give them quarters for video games and pinball machines all the time. Tell me that’s not a waste.

Have you ever been to that seventh circle of hell known as “Chuck E. Cheese?”

Well, I have … and you know what they have in that place?

GAMBLING MACHINES!

I shit you not.

One of the games involves putting a quarter in a machine, maneuvering a claw, and trying to “win” a stuffed animal or some other toy.

They have another machine where you drop a quarter into a container, and hope that it knocks a bunch of other quarters out of the container.

You know what adults call that?

A slot machine!

Or how about skeeball? Sure you win tickets … but what do you do with the tickets?

You buy prizes. Tickets are the exact same thing as gaming chips.

Has anyone ever been to a carnival?

Knock all cans off the table and get a prize. Pick a fish out of the water and get a prize.

How in the holy hell is that not gambling?

And those things are as rigged as the day is long.

I’ve played all of these things, and I can report that I have been gambling since damn near four years old.

But I was only allowed to bet on stupid things with a shitty return.

Why are we trying to keep our young people stupid and broke?

If my kids are going to gamble, I would rather they learn things such as house edge, positive and negative EV, etc.

What are the odds of getting a toy with the claw?

The hell if I know, but I can tell them with relative certainty that if they play a 6 deck 3:2 Blackjack game on which the dealer hits soft 17, the house has a roughly .62% edge against basic strategy.

Do you think they have a 49% chance of winning the stuffed toy at Chuck E. Cheese?

Hell no.

I’ve never seen anyone win a toy on the claw machine.

I do, however, see people win at Blackjack, Roulette and Craps every day. Sure, they also lose, but that’s life. You can spend a month’s allowance trying to get the pink teddy bear with the claw, and still walk away empty handed.

Why should they not be able to double 11 vs. a dealer 6 for the pink teddy bear?

Why do we give our children shittier odds than we give our adults?

Why not give them a fair shot at the damn toy?

It’s frigging child abuse.

We make our kids play sure-losers.

If you ask me, there is nothing more obnoxious than “Arcades” inside of casinos. They are supposed to be kids games, but they are the most violent things I have ever seen. Shoot this guy, destroy that planet, steal this car, etc, etc.

That’s good, wholesome entertainment?

Come on, man. It makes no sense.

Hey Nevada, you want to make some extra revenue? Get rid of the pinball machines and in their place, set up nickel blackjack tables for the kids. They’ll have to analyze, think, and work out math and probabilities in their heads.

The kids on the short bus will quickly bust-out, and the smart kids can pay for dinner later.

When the check comes, you can teach them how to multiply the bill by .20 to figure out the tip.

Parents are missing valuable learning opportunities.

My 7 year old knows how to play both Texas Hold’Em and Blackjack. We play with pennies. And I’ll be damned if she’s not good at it. I’m the dealer and I will tell you one thing … there is no way she hits 12 if I am showing a 6.

I can’t for the life of me figure out why it’s bad that she knows this. At some point in her life, she is going to gamble, and she should know how.

There is nothing vulgar, indecent, or corrupting about gambling. “Gambling” is not a bad thing. Since the dawn of time, people have played games of chance. Yes, even children.

Want to get an extra play on the pinball machine? You need to get at least a million points … or if you are lucky, you still have a 10% chance to hit the match play.

I don’t know about you, but I was always psyched to get a free play when my last two numbers hit. After the game was over, I would wait with anticipation for my two numbers to come up … and when they did, Bingo! As far as I was concerned, it was the same as winning twenty five cents. After all, that’s what a play was worth.

Now, I realize that these examples are too extreme for most people. No offense, but most people are complete idiots. They think slot machines are Satan incarnate, yet think effeminate purple dinosaurs are appropriate companions for their three year olds, and dolls that look like whores (“Bratz”) are appropriate for their six year olds.

But the “debate” over the gambling age in Nevada is one of those things that just brought out the true idiot in just about everyone across the board.

Not one person questioned why gambling was even considered a “vice” in the first place.

“Some people get addicted to it!”

Well, yeah. There was a couple in Asia who were arrested for gaming. But not the type of gaming you are thinking of. They actually neglected to feed their child because they were obsessed with the game “World of Warcraft”. I am not making this up.

You name the activity, and I can assure you that someone is obsessed with it to an unnatural degree. That doesn’t make it a vice. That makes the person unusual. The overwhelming majority of people who gamble, do not have a gambling problem. The few who do, would just become addicted to something else if gambling were to disappear tomorrow.

Why would anyone oppose allowing 18 year olds to gamble? Why would anyone oppose allowing 16 year olds to gamble? Why oppose allowing 12 year olds to gamble? Why is it “controversial”?

Weeks after the frenzy had died down, I still don’t understand any of it.

Humans are irrational creatures. Dogs laugh at us.

Now if you will excuse me, I am off to do some gambling myself.

There is this pink teddy bear at Chuck E. Cheese that I have had my eye on for some time, and tonight … I’m feeling lucky.

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