ONLINE GAMBLING AND CASINO GUIDE

While it still has that new casino smell, I decided to play a bit of video poker at the Encore today.

Everyone has their personal “favorite” Video Poker game, and my preferred variation is Bonus Poker.

It gives me the 2:1 on two pair like Jacks-or-Better while giving me a shot at a little extra juice on quads.

I’ve no idea why anyone would play JOB when Bonus is available on the same machine with the same common-hand odds.

I hate wild cards in regular card games, and my video preferences are no different. Some people love Deuces Wild, but I hate it. It’s just not fun for me to hit a “quad” showing 4-K-4-2-4.

To be honest, I have no idea which of the 5 games are statistically best for the player. Over the years, I have just developed my own preferences. I’ve always hit an uncanny number of two pairs, and I always felt cheated getting paid the same as a pair of Jacks when I drew KKQQ8. The psychological effect of two pairs is what has kept me playing Bonus Poker. The lessor pays on Full House, Flush, and Straight bother me, but not as much as getting gypped on the two pair.

Several times a month, I do feel compelled to play my second favorite variation … Double Double Bonus Poker. While I have never hit a Royal Flush, I tend to hit a good number of Four of a Kinds, and Double Double is what I play when I am “feeling quads”.

Today was one of those days. I was feeling quads at the Encore, and I went to work on a DDB machine.

I stuck a C note into the bill feeder, and I was doing okay. You know the drill. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, Flush, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, Three of a Kind, nothing, Two Pair, nothing, nothing, nothing, Pair of Kings, nothing, Pair of Jacks, and so on …

I wasn’t making any money, but I wasn’t getting slaughtered either. Like I’ve said before, I’m the world’s greatest break-even Video Poker player.

Then it happened.

A Royal?

No.

I had to drain my main vein and make my bladder gladder.

I tried to ignore the urge, but as I was teetering above and below $100, it became harder to play through. Now I know how a running back with a broken ankle in the Super Bowl feels. You’re hurting, but you ignore the coach because you feel compelled to play on anyway.

Playing Video Poker while you have to pee feels EXACTLY like that.

Unfortunately, I realized that I would have to give in to the urge, or there would soon by a “clean-up on aisle 3”.

I hit “cash out” on the machine, shoved the TITO slip into my pocket, and entered one of Encore’s opulent bathrooms.

I like the Encore’s bathrooms, because stalls are actually little rooms, and taking a whiz or dealing a deuce is almost as comfortable here as doing so at home. Even when I have to whiz, I go into a stall, because I don’t want to scare the other people in the bathroom. When I unzip my fly at a urinal, patrons have been known to flee the restrooms while screaming “Everyone run, we are being attacked by the world’s largest Kimono Dragon!” … so I use the stalls to prevent this problem.

I’m sure you understand.

Anyway, after I drained the monster, I washed my hands. I always get weird looks when I wash my hands in public restrooms. In all seriousness, I’ve had people say “What are you, a surgeon?” and other similar comments while I wash my hands.

Even though I look like someone who lives under a bridge downtown, I actually have some kind of Howard Hughes-esque OCD. I’m a bit of a germaphobe, and I wash my hands a lot. I also don’t touch bathroom doorknobs, or use handles to flush public toilets. If I need to, I push the flusher with my foot, and I will open the door with a paper towel.

Anyway, after I was satisfied that I had removed all traces of pecker germs from my hands, I proceeded back to the machine that I had just been playing.

To my horror, the machine had been occupied by some damn tourist.

I know, right?

Where in the hell do these people get off playing MY machines?

Tourists … can’t live with them, can’t chop their frigging heads off with an 80Hp chainsaw and serve it to a pack of hungry albino tigers.

There is no justice in the world.

So I took the consolation prize … the machine next to the one that I had been playing on only moments ago.

No sooner had I stuck my TITO ticket into the “new” machine before the guy next to me said “Alright!”.

“Alright”?

What in the hell do you mean “Alright”???

I looked over, and the little peckerhead was also playing Double Double Bonus, and had hit 4 threes with an Ace kicker to win $800.

Are you shitting me?

Only a few minutes ago, I had been banging away at that very machine … grinding out Jacks and Trips to stay alive, and this bastard hit 800 dollars because I had to take a piss? Not cool.

It wasn’t a Royal Flush, but those kind of payoffs are my bread and butter. They are the hands that keep me in the game, and some dicknose stole it from me.  At least that is what it felt like.

Some skank and an old dude (who I assume were his parents) walked up and said, “Wow! Look at that!”, and they all seemed happy. I just hung my head and said nothing.

I usually congratulate people near me when they hit big hands, but this was Christmas Eve and I felt Scrooged.

Homeboy next to me played a bit more, and so did I, but I cashed out probably 10 minutes later, down about thirty bucks. I was out of the mood.

Of course, I use every adverse event in life, and try to learn from them.

What did I learn today?

Never take a piss in the middle of a gaming session.

Hold it in. If that is not possible bring a Gatorade bottle with you, and relieve yourself into that. Given the color of the Gatorade, nobody will be the wiser. Hell, you can even offer a sip to the first drunk douchebag that shouts “Vegas, Baby!”.

Order a glass from the waitress, wet yourself like a child … basically, do anything you have to do, but don’t ever … EVER abandon your gaming session.

A new pair of underwear is $4. A missed quad on DDB is $800. Using simple arithmetic, it quickly becomes apparent that you can piss all over yourself 100 times under this scenario and still come out ahead if you stick with your gaming session.

Hell, we would have never made it to the moon if the astronauts weren’t willing to piss all over themselves for the duration of the trip.

Soldiers have to do it in battle all the time.

Real men, in the pursuit of greatness … urinate on themselves.

Anything worth doing, is worth taking a golden shower for.

Lesson learned.

If you are wise, you will learn from my mistake as well. No whiz is worth $800.

Do what you need to do to keep yourself in the game.

By the way, for those interested, these are the Encore $1 Video Poker paytables:

Jacks or Better Poker:

Bonus Poker:

Double Bonus Poker:

Double Double Bonus Poker:

Deuces Wild Poker:

And this is the toilet that cost me $800:

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