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I thought I had this whole “poker” thing figured out.

Boy was I wrong.

Little did I know, I have been passing up a far more lucrative opportunity at the beginning of each calendar year.

This weekend, I found myself at the Venetian Poker table with three adult “actresses”, and I was very curious as to how the ladies would play.

Now, I could try to pull a bad pun and say that the ladies were “tight” … but that would just be gratuitous.

I would never say such a thing.  It’s just too corny.  Perish the thought.

Truth be told, the adult actresses at the table were perfectly decent players.  They were more, uh, conservative (notice I didn’t say “tight”) than I thought they would be.  I didn’t see any poor play, and they seemed to think about each play before they made it.

Okay, one lady did offer to ante a BJ at one point, and I’m not 100% sure whether or not she was joking, but  she wasn’t a horrible player and there wasn’t a lot of easy money to be made by outplaying the girls themselves.

They guys on the other hand, were a completely different story.

I sat down with my modest stack against the three starlets and the rest of the table was made up of their boyfriends/co-stars/managers/associates/whatever.  Often the significant other of a porn star fills, er, satisfies, er performs, er acts as more than one of the above.  So many puns, so little time.

Everyone knew each other, but I didn’t want to get all up in their business by saying “So how did you two crazy kids meet?”

I mean, what could they say?

“Well, it was a nice day in June and I had my tongue up her ass so I decided to introduce myself …”

I thought it best to just be nice and play cards.

The great thing about playing poker with porn stars is that every guy at the table wants to impress the ladies.

I mean, if you fold to a short stack, what does that say about the size of your taliwhacker?

It is a well-known and unwritten rule in poker that the larger your stack, the larger your pecker, and no red-blooded male in his right mind would sit next to a porn star while sporting a tiny stack.

Except for me.

As stated before, I completely lack the “give a shit” gene, and whenever possible, I use that to my advantage.

Instead of trying to impress the women by showing them how liberal I was with cash, I simply sat back and waited for a hand.

I talked with the ladies while watching the guys at the tables race to throw their chips in the pot on every hand.

Truth be told, none of the women seemed to really give a damn what the guys bet.  As usual, the guys were just putting on a show for each other because they thought women were watching.  This is also how Porsche dealerships stay in business.

Watching the action unfold in front of me, I was confident that I would get paid off when I finally got cards … and low and behold, I finally did get cards.

The gods smiled on me, and gave me K-K in the pocket.

Before going any further, let me take a moment to address a side issue.  To this day, when I talk to someone about poker and tell them that I got a pocket pair, it never ceases to amaze me, the amount of times people have asked me if they were “suited”.   When people ask me this, my standard answer is “no, so I folded them”.  Some people laugh and get it, but a scary number of people say “I don’t blame you” or something to that effect.

It should go without saying, but I will say it nonetheless.  No, the Kings were not suited.

So I threw them away.

Okay, actually …

I peaked at my cards, and watched the raise-fest unfold in front of me.  When it came time for me to fold, I instead pushed all-in.  Anyone playing with their brain instead of their dick would have realized that it was the first hand I had played the whole session, and they would have put me on a decent hand.

Luckily for me, nobody was playing with their brain.

I got three callers and this made me nervous.

Kings are a great hand, but as soon as an Ace hits the board, you may as well have pocket 2′s.   Also, the more players in a hand, the more likely someone will hit a flush, straight, or any other number of well-disguised hands.

Imagine my relief when the flop was J-5-2 rainbow.  I was all in, so I was just a spectator, and the other three guys kept betting at each other in the side pot.  The way they were raising and re-raising, you had to assume that everyone had flopped a set or nut flush draw.

What dudes won’t do to get a little attention from the ladies.

The turn brought a 7 of diamonds, and a potential four-to-a-flush. There were some possible straight draws and sets if someone else had a pocket pair, but I liked my chances.

The guys all furiously bet again, and the river brought the king of diamonds.   I made a set of Kings.  Not bad.

But … that King also brought the third diamond.

Again, I was just a spectator at this point so there was nothing that I could do, but they kept going at the side pot as though this was a televised special of “Poker After Dark”.  Bet, raise, bet, raise … there was a couple thousand dollars in the pot by this time.

Another guy finally pushed all-in, and was called.

If you can believe it, nobody folded.  All four of us went to the showdown.

It was finally time to put an end to this nonsense and flip over the cards.

I quickly flipped mine, but nobody else wanted to show.

And when I say that they did not want to show, I mean they really, really, really did not want to show.

I was looking back and forth to see if I won or busted out, but the other guys were just looking at each other, waiting for the other to show first.

Each player desperately wanted his opponent to turn over a big hand so that they could just muck without showing.

After about 15 seconds, it started getting awkward and the dealer admonished the table to show their cards.

One by one, they all reluctantly showed their cards, and as they were slowly turning them over, you could see the shame on their faces.  It was obvious that each player thought he could bet the other player out of the hand because what I saw next was an outright disgrace to the game of poker.

None of my opponents had anything.

Not one damn thing.

I don’t remember exactly what each of them had, but I do remember this much …  Queen high took the side pot.

Not Ace high, but Queen Frigging High.  Unfortunately, I didn’t buy in for much, and Queen high got most of the money, but I did pretty well.

It’s days like these that tempt me to sell everything I own, get in a big game with a few hot chicks at the table, and retire wealthy.

To make a long story short, these porn starlets gave me the easiest, and most profitable poker session in a year.

They had every guy at the table playing with a raging woody, and all rhyme, reason, and intellect went straight out the window.

Somehow, poker was transformed into a steroid-fueled weightlifting contest where each contestant merely fired money into the pot with as much flair as possible in order to impress the ladies.

Now don’t get me wrong, I like boobs as much as the next person, but I’ve seen boobs before.  I know what they look like.  There are only so many variations of them.

While the guys were busy outbidding each other, I was chatting up the chicks.  Turns out one of them got a tattoo at the same parlor that I did near Hollywood and Vine … and we compared handiwork.

It was a hell of a lot more interesting than splashing dead chips into the pot.

What’s the moral to this story?

If there is a hot female that you want to impress, don’t play poker while she is seated at the table.

Because if you do, I’m going to take your money.

I now know where I am going to be spending most of my time during next year’s Adult Entertainment Expo.

The Venetian Poker Room.

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