ONLINE GAMBLING AND CASINO GUIDE

Out of all the hours I have spent gambling inside of casinos, there is one game that I have only played for a grand total of perhaps one hour.

Given the way I phrased that statement, you are probably thinking that it is some obscure game like “Vietnamese 8 Card Queen-High Kung Pow” or something similar.

That is not the case, though.  The very common and popular game I very rarely play is … Roulette.

For some reason, I have just not been particularly attracted to the game.

It’s more of a spectator game and I don’t really have to do much of anything.  In theory, this is good, but I like to make some decisions that effect my gambling outcome besides picking completely random numbers.

I think the main thing I have against Roulette is the overwhelming simplicity of it.  It strikes me as a miniature version of the lottery … with a wheel.

Now, I have nothing against the lottery.  I have driven to Primm numerous times to pick up tickets when the California lottery has gotten huge.  I think the most I have ever won on a single ticket is twenty bucks or so, but like the lottery board tells the suckers … “you can’t win if you don’t play”.

Nonetheless, I recognize the lottery for what it is.  An idiot tax. Some people call it “The Ghetto Retirement Plan” or “The White Trash 401K” and other less-than-kind names, but I don’t really play the lottery for money … I play it for sheer amusement.  I know I have no chance at winning the lottery, but there is something psychologically interesting about having a theoretical shot at $200,000,000.

It is exactly because of that two hundred million dollars that I plunk down ten bucks for lottery tickets.

Roulette has always seemed a less favorable risk/reward than even the lottery to me.  Sure, my odds of hitting a single number are much better than the lottery, but my chances are still only about 2.5% on any given spin.

Due to the two greens, the house always maintains a 5% edge.  This is a rough give-up for a local grinder.

Even if I hit the single number, the payoff is less than $175 on a fin bet.  The risk/reward is just not exciting.

Of course, I can always bet on black or red, odd or even … but what is the difference between that and betting on the outcome of a coin flip?

Hell, it’s even worse than betting on a coin flip.  A coin can’t land on green.

For these reason, I never really thought much about Roulette beyond it being a mindless game of “pick a number”.

Recently, though, my interest was rekindled a bit.

One of my gambling friends told me that he had a “system” for Roulette.

“Yeah, sure you do.” I said.   “And I have a seventeen inch schlong.”

Of course, this sarcasm is a gross exaggeration on my part.   In reality, it’s only fifteen inches, but that’s not the point …

The point is that there is no way in hell that someone can have a “system” for a game as mundane as Roulette.

For the sake of morbid curiosity, I asked him to explain to me how this system works, and when he told me, it seemed incredibly stupid.  The gist was that you are supposed to bet on odd/even or a color, and keep doubling your bet until you win … at which point you start over.

WTF???

What kind of “system” is that?

That sounds like something a third grader would come up with.

It also sounded like a way to lose a ton of money really fast.  I mean, you’d think a casino would catch on to such a simplistic system.  If that actually worked, casinos would be going bankrupt left and right.

“No, no, it works”, he insisted.

I dismissed the guy as a complete fartknocker and didn’t give it much further thought.

Outside of very skilled card counting, I have lived in this city long enough to know that these “systems” can’t work.

Have you ever driven under the 4th Street overpass Downtown?  Have you seen all those guys camped out under the bridge?

Here’s the thing …  every one of those guys had a “system” at one point in their life.

I thought it over, and after careful consideration, I decided that I didn’t want to live under the 4th street overpass.  Not that there’s anything wrong with living under a bridge … the color scheme just does nothing for me.  I also like to crap in places with indoor plumbing.  I guess I’m metrosexual like that.

This being the case, there was no way in hell that I was going too risk a $5/spin and doubling that bet until I won.

I’m just not into Roulette enough to try this “system”, therefore, I have held off even attempting it.

Until today.

This afternoon while walking through the Venetian, I spotted something that interested me.  It was a 25 cent video Roulette game.  Holy Mother of Moses, the answer to my prayers.

I could finally try out this “system” with a $20 bill instead of a couple of C notes.

I was going to do just what this guy told me to do.  I decided to bet on black, and double my bet each time I lost … starting with 25 cents.

Luckily, I won my first three spins outright.  On my fourth spin,  I hit red, and the boredom began.

I kept doubling my bet every time I lost, and started over when I won.

After roughly an hour, and at least a couple hundred “spins”, I had $16 left on my ticket.

What the bloody hell?  What kind of fruit loop “system” was this?

Granted I wasn’t losing a lot of money, but this felt like a slow grind down to … at best … break even.

I haven’t crunched the statistics, but I’m really not sure why this is even supposed to work.  It doesn’t seem to account for those two green zeros that seem to come up at the most inopportune times.

I have tell you, I am not impressed.

I cashed out with fifteen bucks and change, and walked away.

As I sit here, $4 poorer, I can only thank god that I didn’t take a grand to the big table.  I would be down $200 bucks, and really kicking myself for even entertaining the thought that this thing possibly had any merit.

Maybe it only works on felt, and not video games.  Or maybe it only works when the moon is in a waning phase on the second Tuesday of the month.

One thing became clear.  If I want to take up the game of Roulette with any level of enthusiasm, I need to devise my own system.

I’ve heard that if you bet all the numbers in your birthday, you can’t possibly lose.

That’s the Roulette “system” I’m trying next.

There are eight permutations of unique numbers in my birthday, and I am going to walk up to the felt tomorrow and bet them all.

If I win, then I will have validated my new system. If I lose, I will keep doubling my bet until I win.

I’m going to conquer this Roulette game once and for all.  You’ll see.

Next time you’re in town, be sure to look me up.

You can find me under the 4th Street overpass explaining my “birthday system” to my new roommates.

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