Taking The Dealer's 21
September 3, 2009
When the cost of repairing your car is more than 50% of the value of the vehicle itself, it’s time to get another one.
And so I did.
I’m happy to say that I am now the proud owner of a new Porsche.
It occurred to me today that the people at the Poker tables might be stretching the truth a bit to impress their fellow player. I’ve yet to see a title, and I’ve always taken their word for it, so I henceforth own a Porsche.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Please, someone ask me about it. I implore you.
After procuring the sleek new sign of my gambling prowess, I had to spend the better part of the afternoon at a local Las Vegas Department of Motor Vehicles registering the carriage.
Las Vegas Department of Motor Vehicles
Las Vegas Department of Motor Vehicles
Las Vegas Department of Motor Vehicles
Las Vegas Department of Motor Vehicles
People think I am using hyperbole when I say this, but I honestly and without reservation opine the average resident of the Las Vegas Valley falls into the range of mentally retarded.
Were a financial prize offered to the person who guessed the average IQ of Vegas residents, my guess would be 68.
I could not be more serious.
Yes, we have some great people who live here including some outright geniuses, but for every one of those we have five with excessively low intellect. Nowhere is this intellect on display more so than the DMV. This particular institution makes the movie “Idiocracy” look grossly optimistic.
While waiting my turn, I had one fellow customer ask me what a “lien” was. About five minutes later, another person asked if I had a calculator. I whipped out my BlackBerry, and offered to help.
They asked me to add 100 and 12.
“One hundred and twelve”, I said without touching a button on my handheld.
They must have thought I was Rainman.
I wish I could say any of this surprised me, but it’s actually quite normal. I’m surrounded by imbeciles, and all of them drive.
After spending far too long in the seventh circle of hell, I decided to blow off a little steam.
The DMV is on Sahara Ave., The Sahara is on Sahara Ave. (at least the side of it is), and so I drove my brand new, solid gold, leather upholstered, jet-powered Porsche to the self-park and embraced my inner degenerate.
Sahara Hotel and Casino and Fontainebleau
I was kind of agitated, and not in a good mood, but winning money always helps.
After doing a quick pass of the pit, I decided to take a spot in the first position of a $5 table with two other people. I didn’t really look at the people I was playing with, but I would become acquainted with one of them later.
About two dozen hands into the session, I had built up a modest lead winning about two of every three deals.
Then, I was dealt QQ (too bad it was Blackjack).
As I have mentioned before, I usually don’t split tens solely to avoid confrontation, but every now and then I just don’t care about my fellow players. I never go out of my way to annoy them, but their little superstitions take a back seat. Splitting tens is not a statistically hideous play, and it’s my damn money.
I looked up at the dealer’s 4, down at my two Queens, and then held a flat peace sign toward the cards.
“Are you sure you want to split?”, the dealer asked.
I indicated that I did, and in the first time in a very, very long time … I got an Ace laid atop each card.
“Thank you”, I said, and looked up to notice a cigarette puffing raisin sitting beside me and giving me the stink-eye.
The barren prune acted next and stood on something 17 or above, and the one other person at the table did so as well. Neither drew a card.
Then, it was the dealer’s turn.
Her hole card was 6 giving her 10, she drew a 5, then another 5 for a total of 20.
The two other players groaned.
“What do you expect when you are playing with people like these?”, the horse testicle sitting beside me said to the player on the other side of her.
She then turned to me and said “Thanks for taking her bust card!”
“What?”, I replied.
“You’re not supposed to split tens and you took the dealer’s bust card!”, said the putrid post-menopausal turd.
“She had ten before drawing. Had I not split, she would have drawn my ace and gotten 21 … how did I take her bust card?”, I asked.
“You’re not supposed to split tens!”, she snapped back, without addressing my question.
“You’re from Las Vegas, aren’t you?”, I asked.
“Yes I am, and we know how to play this game”, replied the tobacco-addicted excretion of a hippopotamus anus.
Apparently, this woman was very upset that I had won not one, but two hands, and she was utterly convinced that I had taken the dealer’s bust card even though rudimentary arithmetic would have proven otherwise.
Then, I said it.
I’m not proud of it, but if caught in the right mood, I’ve been known to respond with less than complete courtesy every now and then.
“Lady, your bitch is showing”, I said.
I didn’t say it loud, I didn’t make a huge production out of it, I just uttered it in a conversational tone.
The similarity to the Convention Authority slogan was subconscious. Apparently, the marketing brainwashing is stuck in my head. I do, however, think I have finally made good use of what is arguably the worst slogan ever invented by the LVCVA, or any other agency for that matter.
After it came out of my mouth, the raspy-voiced troglodyte who sounded like she was hocking a loogie with each syllable reacted quite predictably.
She complained to the dealer that I had used “profanity”, and she wanted the pit boss to be summoned.
Sure, I could have given the table my diatribe about the fact that profanity does not exist, but I doubt a polydrug junkie who thinks a dealer busts on 21 would have been able to process the information.
“You know what, it’s okay, I’ll leave. That way you won’t have to worry about someone taking the dealer’s 21”, I said.
And with that, I grabbed my chips and left.
So much for relaxation.
When you’re surrounded by idiots, recreation, or even basic common sense can be hard to come by.
Las Vegas. It’s Heaven or Hell.
Now if you will excuse me, I have a new car to break in.
Just wait until the guys in the Bally’s Poker Room hear about this.
I’ll be signing autographs all night.
Written by ColinFromLasVegas on September 3, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Gee, Rex. I wish you had asked me about this DMV thing.
I live close to the DMV on Sahara, but I don’t go there. Too crowded and too long of a wait.
Letting the cat out of the bag to everyone else, I’ll say it right here. Best time to go and best DMV to go to where you don’t have to wait long?
Henderson DMV on the corner of Stephanie and American Pacific (just off of the 215). Go on a Saturday. Between 2PM and 4PM. And try to make it the middle of the month (if you can). Guaranteed a lot shorter wait. (Although I probably screwed that up now, letting the cat out of the bag.) The DMV closes at 5PM. On the most part, I’ve pretty much been in and out when registering a vehicle. However, if you have to get the new drivers license and a few other things, that may take longer, but it’s still pretty short.
As for the second part of your article, I’m pleased to hear you are winning friends and influencing people at the blackjack tables.
Written by par88 on September 3, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Why don’t you join the Auto Club (AAA)? They provide DMV services and its always much easier, faster and more comfortable than going to the DMV. Only costs about $40 a year. Well worth it when you consider the amount of time and hassle you will save. Plus when your Porsche breaks down they will tow it for free.
Written by DeMango on September 3, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Happiness is when all the pictures load on your article. Someday I’ll be rich and have broadband! Rex, what kind of camera do you use?
Written by tully on September 4, 2009 at 2:03 am
Have read the stories about how bad the DMV is in LV, but never imagined a scene like the photos above. Never ever ever. The snack bar really surprised me, but I guess it’s needed if one is to avoid dehydration or starvation while waiting.
Wow.
Written by FoolsGold on September 4, 2009 at 4:45 am
Enjoy the new Porsche!
You should kill a chicken and smear its blood on the car to show that you are not overly proud of it, however, if you wish to substitute two old blackjack-playing biddies for the chicken, go right ahead.
Written by BigRedDogATL on September 4, 2009 at 4:51 am
If they have a snack bar at the DMV office then I am surprised that they haven’t installed a Grocery Store like mini-casino in there. The jackpot item could be a pass to the front of the DMV line. Other prizes could be free upgrades to designer license plates, having a real photographer take a decent photo of you for your license, or one free ‘get out of jail free’ card for your next traffic offense.
Too bad your old ride died when it did and you missed the whole taxpayer shafted Cash For Clunkers scam. Did you get the Porsche 911 or the SUV model?
Written by DeanSi on September 4, 2009 at 5:47 am
Actually, Rex, by you splitting Q’s and taking 2 A’s, with everyone else drawing no cards in your scenario above the dealer would have drawn to 17 and everyone with cards totaling above 17 would have won. Dealer showed a 4, hole card 6 = 10, the 2 A’s u drew would have given the dealer 12, then just one of the 5′s would have played to bring dealers total to 17. Although your math is slightly off, so was that of the festering pile of dung sitting next to you. I’m not going to say that you made the “correct” play, but when challenged by an imbecile like the one next to you i would have defended it the same way….BTW, I’ll occasionally double down on A 9 if the dealer is showing 4, 5, or 6 so it’s all good!
Written by JohnGalt1 on September 4, 2009 at 11:39 am
I watch “Jail” on Tuesdays. Some of the segments are filmed at the Clark County Jail.
Why does the waiting room at the jail look like the waiting room at the jail?
Written by GeorgeX on September 4, 2009 at 12:00 pm
What kinda Porsche? Pic ?
Written by Rex on September 4, 2009 at 1:10 pm
“Actually, Rex, by you splitting Q’s and taking 2 A’s, with everyone else drawing no cards in your scenario above the dealer would have drawn to 17 and everyone with cards totaling above 17 would have won. Dealer showed a 4, hole card 6 = 10, the 2 A’s”
Why would the dealer draw another Ace when the first Ace would have given her 21?
Written by sevelev on September 4, 2009 at 1:28 pm
I’m surprised there’s no slot machines in the DMV waiting area.
Written by FoolsGold on September 4, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Actually violating the rules of basic strategy is often not all that bad a thing to do. Often the second-best rule is hardly worse than following the best rule, so it makes little difference.
Written by Dan H. on September 4, 2009 at 3:23 pm
The dealer had a 4 and a 6, and would have drawn Rex’s Ace, giving the dealer a 21. Funny story Rex.
Written by Dave_M on September 4, 2009 at 6:21 pm
I split two tens at the old Nevada Palace. The dealer had a 6 showing. Only me and a good friend playing at a $2 table. The dealer told me after the hand, that she would slap me if I split 10′s again. The next hand, my friend was dealt two Kings, he said ” If I split these tens will you slap me”? The lady dealer replied “No, you would like it”. I miss the old Nevada Palace, but I must agree the Eastside Cannery is defintely an upgrade.
Written by alberta on September 4, 2009 at 7:30 pm
What collin said. Hendy does have a few good attributes after all! Rex is lucky he was not knifed or mugged at the dmv on Sahara. The new car might have also been ripped off while he waited with the great unwashed masses. Another tip. Show up 45 minutes before the DMZ closes…those State employees really get their ass in gear to get every one out the door!
Re: the 10″s It could have been worse. She might have been of a different nationality. “You no good…you stupid…get off table…go play $3 table!”
Written by Pyramid_gm on September 6, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Splitting tens is what got me in a fight at Venetian.Screw em i split tens and got to split some Douchebags lip.I always split when I feel like it…
Written by James on September 8, 2009 at 2:17 pm
“Why would the dealer draw another Ace when the first Ace would have given her 21?”
Exactly. I wonder what the house edge would be if the dealer had to hit soft 21.