ONLINE GAMBLING AND CASINO GUIDE

The streak of bad luck has been broken.

I had to go to the Fashion Show Mall today, and afterward I took the bridge maze over to the Palazzo/Venetian complex, and it was hot.

I probably lost a solid 5 lbs in water weight today by pounding the pavement. The Strip is an extremely large slab of concrete, asphalt, and people, and  Las Vegas Boulevard is wide.

Our buildings don’t cast much of a shadow between 10am and 5pm, and the reflective glass and concrete on most of them act as nothing more than giant reflectors.  Because of this, if you look at the “official” Las Vegas temperature, you can often safely add 3-5 degrees to that number to derive the actual temperature on Las Vegas Boulevard between Spring Mountain and Tropicana.  We may well be pushing triple digits in certain spots later this week.

Anyway, on to my victorious gaming session.  It wasn’t much, but given my results over the last week, I’ll take it.  I also accomplished it in the most unlikely manner possible.   Slots.

I’m getting ready for my golden years of AARP membership and a prostate the size of a cantaloupe.   I fed a few bills into the first machine, cashed out when I hit a 20+ credit payout, then took my TITO ticket to another machine, then another.  I was hitting more slots than Ron Jeremy.

Sopranos, Star Wars, Playboy, Double Diamonds machines … it didn’t matter.  I took my ticket, and I stuck it here, I stuck it there, I stuck practically everywhere.  I felt like I was 15 years old again.  When all was said and done, I had 5 times more on my ticket than I had started with.

I didn’t hit any major jackpots, but I don’t think I left a single machine with less than I sat down with.    I was basically speed-dating the machines.  I literally spent three minutes at each one, then moved on to the next one.  It didn’t matter what it was as long as a seat was open, and it was different from the machine I had played before.  In little over half an hour, I had probably played a dozen different machines, at which point I marched to the TITO redemption kiosk and cashed out.

For half an hour, I was a “Hyper Slot Pimp”.  I’m thinking of having my name legally changed to that.  I’m just not sure whether or not “Slot” should be my middle name, or if I should hyphenate.  Now I know how feminists feel when they get married.  It is a conundrum.

As a percentage, this was my best gaming session in at least a couple of months.

This leads me to a topic which I am very frequently asked about.

People wonder how I can gamble several times a week and not be in the poorhouse.   Most tourists have to save for a year to gamble three days in a row.  How do I do three days in a week … every week?  It’s a valid question, and an issue which is often misunderstood.

First of all, I see gaming as recreation and not a compulsion.  I know that many people say this, but I personally have absolutely no problem walking away any time I feel like it.  I approach gaming like a buffet, a little here, and a little there.  While I play a wide variety of games in the course of a week, I don’t stay at any particular game for a long period of time.

For instance,  this is a fairly normal gambling routine for me:

Let’s say for the sake of argument that I am heading to the Bellagio Conservatory to take some photos because the display has been updated.

Typically, I will hop on the Monorail and get off at the Flamingo Station.  On my way through the Flamingo casino, I will stop and play 10 minutes of Video Poker.  Then I will cash out and walk next door to Bill’s.   Once there, I will play ten minutes of Blackjack until Big Elvis comes on. When he takes the stage, I will sit and watch Pete (Big Elvis) perform, and after I am done screaming requests and he takes his final bow, I will cross the Boulevard pedestrian bridge and wait for the Bellagio Fountain Show.

Once the fountains start, maybe I will record them, or may I will just sit back, relax, and watch.  When they stop spraying, I will proceed into the Bellagio Conservatory to take my photos.

Now, I know that there is a Hex Breaker slot machine near the Bellagio lobby.  This particular machine is a weird superstitious machine that I always have to play, and I will almost always feed a $5 bill into it. Once I double or lose on Hex Breaker, I will stop and eat somewhere on the way back to the Monorail.  When I get off the train at my destination, I will proceed to a nearby Poker Room, and attempt to double up.  Sometimes I do, sometimes I do not.

If another game strikes me … Three Card Poker, some obscure video game I have never seen before … I’ll play it.  Probably for 10 minutes at the lowest limit possible.

Even though I am in casinos a lot, in the course of an entire day, I can spend as little as 30 total minutes gambling, but still have played a wide array of games.   I also avail myself of everything else the casinos have to offer.  I often meet people for lunch.  Since I know at least two people here on any given day, sometimes I will hang out in a room for a bit.  Sometimes I lounge by the pool.  Sometimes I hit a show.  It varies greatly, but I rarely go broke gambling.  I couldn’t even if I wanted to.  I don’t have the attention span.

I have gambling ADD, and Vegas is the perfect place for it.  I have no desire to sit in one place .  I have places to go and things to see.  I get kind of excited when I come across something unplayed, and if I have time … I play it.

It would be like adding a new ride in the amusement park in your hometown.  You’d probably try it.  At least once.

That’s kind of how Vegas is to me.  I try to do everything on a regular basis, but doing so means that I don’t devote a large amount of time to any particular game.  I also do it strictly for amusement, so I never hand my entire wallet over to the pit.  Overall, I’m a relatively low-roller.

The only game I might spend more than an hour playing is Poker.   I do play that game for income, but I am very particular and deliberate about where and when I play.  It’s kind of like a job.  It’s also the only game that I actually expect to win with any regularity.

Believe it or not, I have learned to enjoy gambling in Las Vegas without really losing much money.  I set a bankroll and stick to it.  About 50% of the time I come back with more than I left with, and about 50% of the time I come back with less.

In all fairness, If I didn’t play Poker, I would come home with less about 80% of the time.  The house always has a statistical edge.  I’m not a complete idiot, and I don’t play anything against the house that I don’t fully expect to lose.  I don’t always lose, though.  And sometimes, one good gambling session will make up for five or ten bad ones … such as today.

My house gambling also greatly depends on how I am doing at Poker.  If I am have a losing Poker month, I do not play against the house very much.  If I am having a winning Poker month, I set aside a portion of the winnings to play other games.  I try to only play against the house with Poker winnings.

“Gee Rex, why do you have to play anything?  Can’t you just stay home and watch American Idol like a normal person?”

Well, sure I could.  But that would defeat the purpose of living in Las Vegas.  I came here to live in Vegas and to take advantage of what it has to offer.

I have a long list of interests that have nothing to do with casinos at all.  Gaming is actually pretty far down on the list of what I do in an average month.  However,  living where I do, it really takes very little time out of my day to play a bit, hit a show, or whatever.

Just because you live near the shore and go surfing 4 times a week, it doesn’t mean that you don’t do 1,000 other things as well.   I’m pretty damn busy, and sometimes it is overwhelming.

Of course, some people can’t handle this lifestyle.  They go overboard and end up getting themselves in trouble trying to win big … but for every one of those people there are at least three other middle class folks that spend every weekend at Green Valley Ranch or the Suncoast for 20 straight years, and are perfectly fine and happy.

Everything that is good and bad can be found in Las Vegas, but if a person can get a handle on themselves,  a Vegas resident can enjoy the casinos much the same way that people in Miami enjoy the beaches. Despite what people tell you, it can be done.  You just have to keep your wits about you and be realistic.

The chances of you getting wealthy living here are incredibly slim, but the chances of breaking even, or losing only what an average American typically spends on entertainment is actually a very real possibility. Thousands of people have been doing it for decades.

Of course, most of those people have also hit a Royal Flush at least once.

Bastards.

Forget everything I just said.  This town sucks.

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