ONLINE GAMBLING AND CASINO GUIDE

There’s no better way out of a depressive funk than winning money.

The perfect surge of adrenaline, dopamine, and endorphins that accompany a huge win creates a euphoric rush that validates all of the time and losses one has endured gambling.  A jackpot is the climax, the pinnacle, the elusive orgasm that happens when one wins the largest prize possible.

At least that’s how I imagine it.

One of these days, I’m going to experience it first hand.

Last night, after playing about an hour of Hold’em and getting extremely lucky (I finally rivered some poor bastard in a hand that I had no business being in), I decided to test my good fortune by plugging a few bucks into a Video Poker machine.  When it comes to the sodomy that is getting rivered, I am almost always the catcher in this scenario.  The fact that I was actually the pitcher for once seemed to be a cursory indicator that my luck might be changing.

After picking out a choice aisle spot and dialing in a Bonus Poker game, I began whacking away.  I also began playing video poker.

About 5 minutes into my session, a lady, probably in her early 30’s, sat down to my immediate right.

“Hello” she said cordially, to which I replied in kind, and we both began whacking in tandem, side-by-side.  It was a good old fashioned casino circle-jerk.  I felt like a regular Steve Wynn, except that the person next to me was female.

For the next fifteen minutes or so, this chick and I proceeded to slap ourselves silly, when all of a sudden I heard the telltale “repeating pitch roll” sound that indicates that someone has hit something bigger than 10 credits.

“Another one”, she said, as if what was happening was completely routine.

I looked over expecting to see the tail end of a quad count-up, only to see “Royal Flush” highlighted in the upper-left corner, along with the number “4000″ in the upper right corner.

Now, in this situation, most people would congratulate their neighbor for their stellar win.  I’m not most people.

Instead “you’ve got to be f***ing kidding me” was the only thing I could muster.

The winner looked at me with a confused expression, almost as if she was sure that she had misunderstood me, and she proceeded to talk in a very nonplussed manner.

“This is my fourth royal this month”, she said nonchalantly.

“Well Laaaa-Deeeee-Fricken-Motherf**king-Daaaa, Bitch!”, I …………….. thought.

I thought it hard enough that I was afraid I had subconsciously vocalized it, but her lack of a reaction assured me that some kind of filter was still in place.

I stopped playing, but as she waited for an attendant, she continued speaking to me casually.  I think she was running down the list of places where she had hit Royals before, but I was tuning her out at this point.  I didn’t give a damn where she had hit a Royal before, all I knew is that I hadn’t.

Instead of furthering our dialog and watching the collection process play out, I hit “cash out” on my machine, grabbed my ticket, and told her that I was taking off.  I think I managed to spit out a half-hearted “congratulations” or “good job”, but my insincerity was probably more insulting than saying nothing at all.

After walking away, I realized that I hadn’t even bothered snapping a picture of her screen with my cellphone as I typically do when I see large wins.  I hadn’t felt like it.  I felt selfish, but I was really a bit annoyed.

I think my lack of happiness for my fellow man (or woman in this case) was the result of a few factors:

1. I’ve never hit a Royal Flush.  Ever.  EVER.  This fact alone makes me bitter toward anyone who has hit a Royal.  I’m envious.  This also explains why I am bitter toward men who have had sex with a real, live woman.
2. She didn’t react with enthusiasm.  I think on some level, I felt that this alone made her unworthy of the jackpot.  I mean, if you’re not going to get excited, what’s the point?
3. She had already won three Royals this month.  In my mind, this made her a glutton.  The day I hit a Royal is the day I take an extended break from playing Video Poker.  What more is there to do?  You’ve won.  Take some time off and enjoy it.  If you continue to play after a large jackpot, and especially if you continue to win … you’re just being greedy.  Save some wins for the rest of us.
4. I could have very easily chosen her machine.  Instead, I always chose an aisle machine because I’m an antisocial prick.  The fewer people I am seated next to, the better, and an end machine means that I will never get sandwiched between two smokers, or worse … people who like to talk.

Maybe there really is something to the whole “karma” thing.

Anyway, what I witnessed last night did at least reassure me that people can, indeed, win money playing video games in Las Vegas.

As long as those people aren’t me.

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