Tourists Are Stupid
October 31, 2008
Look … I’m sorry for the title, but it really is just the only thing that comes to mind. I know I should be more gracious to our guests, and I’m trying (I really, really am) but just damn … some people really should just stay on the dairy farm.
Las Vegas Strip overpass elevator next to Bill's Gamblin Hall
While I was on The Strip, the above elevator was the scene of the crime.
The elevator is located next to Bill’s at Las Vegas Boulevard and Flamingo Ave, and it brings people up to the overpass where they can walk directly over to Caesar’s Palace, and vice-versa.
I got on the elevator at the skywalk to go down, and moved toward the glass (back of the elevator) so the tourists behind me could get on.
I turned around to look out the window, and after about 60 seconds of not moving, I turned back and asked the crowd behind me if anyone had pressed “Street”.
In unison, they said “Yes”, and one man said “I’m still pushing it but it won’t light up.”
Now, you guys are going to think I made this next part up, but I swear it’s true.
This tall guy in his 50’s was pounding on the unlit “S” light above the elevator doors. It wasn’t a button, it was a light. And his wife (or anyone else) didn’t bother to correct him.
I had to step in and say “Uh, that’s not a button. That is a light that shows what floor you are on. The buttons are on the side of the elevator door where they usually are. I then pressed the “Street” button to the left of the door, and we quickly proceeded down.
They shot me looks like I was being an uppity prick for assuming that everyone on the planet knew how to work an elevator.
Just when I thought I had lowered my expectations enough to tolerate the average hayseed, they take it to a whole different level.
To this moment, I don’t know how this genius thought that anyone less than 6′ tall would be able to operate the elevator, since his assumption was clearly that the buttons were above the door, and that if he beat the shit out of the light hard enough, the elevator would eventually move.
I really don’t think it is just my perception. I think the world really is getting dumber.
If I had seen this on an episode of The Simpsons, I would cry foul.
“No way, they’ve gone too far. There is no way Homer can be that stupid. They’re just getting carried away.”
But here I was. Witnessing this very scenario playing out before my very eyes.
I hereby propose a mandatory IQ test for everyone who gets off an airplane at McCarran.
Anyone who scores in the double digits, gets stripped of the money they would have lost anyway, and gets immediately sent back home.
It’s getting so bad, that a certain subset of ultra-stupid tourists are actively becoming a danger to themselves and others.
No wonder Harrah’s gets away with 6/5 Blackjack. These people probably play it, and double down on 19.
I wonder who reminds this flyover country motherfucker to breathe?
Whoever’s job that is, I hope he/she stops.
The IQ of this guy’s home state must have tripled the day he left for Las Vegas.
However, despite all of that … nothing, and I mean nothing compares to the tourist ritual known as the “Slot Machine Tournament”.
After jumping off of the Monorail at the Bally’s Station, I was humbled.
And I mean … truly humbled.
On my way through the casino, I encountered a “Slot Tournament“, and I never realized the advanced analytical skills, the critical thought, the physical stamina, and the sheer dexterity that goes into playing these slot tournaments.
Don’t believe me? Click “play” below and see for yourself.
I wonder what goes through the minds of these professional athletes right before they hit the “spin” button for the 10th time in 1 second? One can only imagine that they are making split-second probability calculations and using their cat-like reflexes to maximize their chances of winning.
I have no idea why ESPN doesn’t televise these things.
I dare you to look at the intensity on the faces of these players and not be moved.
Notice the guy that hit a jackpot on his last spin.
Nothing more dramatic than a buzzer-beater.
I hear that Nike has already offered him a shoe contract.
Las Vegas tourists
Las Vegas tourists
Damn tourists. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them … but on some days, I would sure like to try.
Written by Eric on October 31, 2008 at 2:19 am
Funny as usual, Rex. But get it right — it’s Caesars Palace, not “Caesar’s.”
Because, you see, every guest is a Caesar. Even the dumb fucks.
Written by Chuck on November 25, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Ah, some of the tourists are truly brainchilds. The faster they hit the spin button, the chances of winning are multiplied. Ha !!!!!! Nano brain wizards… Stupid is not only contained for the few but for the majority from what I have seen….