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There is a very large institution that is adjacent to The Strip, only a couple of miles from my home … and yet it is a place that I generally avoid whenever possible.

The institution is not quite as bad as the Clark County Detention Center, but it’s not that much better.

That place is the University of Nevada Las Vegas.

Whereas the CCDC is a prison for the body, UNLV is a prison for the mind.

UNLV was established in 1957 and is the primary university in the State of Nevada.  There are many other colleges in the State, but it is probably safe to say that UNLV is the only school in Nevada which is immediately recognizable to people on the other side of the state line.  In total, about 30,000 people attend the school in some capacity, and it occupies 337 acres in Paradise Township (the same township in which The Strip lies).  Back in the day, Las Vegas was a pretty concentrated place.  Everything was adjacent to everything else.  The airport, the university, the residential areas … urban sprawl wasn’t part of the initial plans for the town.

Today, UNLV serves more as something to navigate around rather than something that represents an actual destination to me personally.

I have been to the Thomas & Mack Center several times, but I had never really spent any appreciable time in the actual classroom areas.

All of that changed last week when I decided to take a class.  You see, I thought it was finally time for me to learn how to win friends and influence people.  I just haven’t been much of a “people person” lately, and I realized that it was time for a change.  So, I enrolled in a class designed to teach me just that.

I learned that the key to happiness is to make a large number of mutually-beneficial friendships full of love and peace and … just kidding.  You can all go fornicate yourselves with an iron stick.

I really did attend a “class”, though, and while I learned absolutely nothing, I did take some time to explore the campus in greater detail than I have ever done before.

Quite obviously, the most interesting thing about UNLV is its proximity to The Las Vegas Strip.  It’s only about 1 mile from the Planet Hollywood Casino, and is only a few short blocks from The Hard Rock Hotel and Casino.   How much “learning” can you possibly do at this place?

Furthermore, who would send their kids here?

“Hey mom and dad, I decided that I want to take a 4 year vacation to fabulous Las Vegas to get my education.”

“Oh, Kaitlyn, that  sounds like a wonderful idea!”

Really???

They fall for this?

In any event, my two hours on said campus wasn’t terribly exciting, and I’m  not really sure that I learned anything unique.

The teacher was smoking hot, but I ended up answering more questions than I asked, and what I did “learn” could have been derived from a half hour with Google.   Seriously, there is so much information available to the average person with DSL at this point, that I can’t for the life of me figure out why people pay tens of thousands of dollars to sit behind a desk and be told what chapters of a book to read.

Want to learn history?  Visit Wikipedia.  I’ll be damned if you can’t find more accurate and timely information there than you will in any textbook.  Hell, online history books get updated every thirty seconds.  I already known more about Susan Boyle than I ever wanted to.

Back to the campus … there was also the stereotypical “quad” which was eerily vacant.  UNLV should think about sticking some slots and video poker machines on this prime real estate.

This being Vegas, of course there were a few “Vegas” quirks to the school.

First of all, I encountered the largest dick I have ever seen.  Of course, it was black, which I found offensive because UNLV is simply perpetuating racial stereotypes.

The massive phallus was disconcerting at first, but I later found out this sculpture was called “The Flashlight”.  In retrospect, I am glad the thing is there because I spent the afternoon orienting myself by looking for the giant dick.   The huge johnson is really the only architecturally notable thing in the whole place.

I thought the lady pushing the baby stroller to class was kind of unique.  “Mommy’s going to get off the pole by the time you’re three.  I promise!”

I will never understand why strippers go to school.  Stripping pays way more than any desk job they are going to get.  Actually, I don’t know why anyone goes to school.

Those who can, do.  Those who can’t, go to college.  For the low, low price of $100,000, you too can get a piece of paper that shows that you are willing to jump through hoops to please someone for affirmation. Today it’s a grade, tomorrow it’s a paycheck.  This piece of paper almost always assures your potential employer that you are saddled with a student loan, which is a good thing.

Why?

If you need that bi-weekly check to extricate your ass from usurious debt, chances are greater that you will take a great deal of crap and will go through great lengths to not rock the boat.  It’s the 21st century equivalent of indentured servitude.

Also, education is another form of religion.  People have faith that it works, yet there is really no hard evidence that it actually works.  It has not been shown to boost intelligence, and there is very little data to show that people retain the knowledge that they memorize to pass tests for grades.  Experience is education, and the rest is nothing more than big business.

There was an article published recently that showed that only a small percentage of college graduates with programming or IT degrees could write even the most simple of programming routines when tested in the interview process.   Far more autodidacts (self-taught people) without formal education were able to solve the problem in an acceptable manner.  If you are motivated to learn something … you will learn it. If someone needs to tell you to “read chapters ten through twelve by Friday”, then you probably don’t really care what is in chapters 10-12.  If you do care, then buy the $40 book and read it cover to cover in three days.  You will have just completed an entire semester for 1/100th the cost.

I digress.

On this page lies some photos of our grand University.

With the exception of Thomas & Mack, UNLV will probably remain a place that I simply drive around rather than attend.

I had higher expectations.

In my mind, I pictured tons of strippers and showgirls attending classes in thongs and high heels, and instead of hacky sack on the quad, I assumed there would be sorority girls rubbing tanning oil on each other while catching some rays on the grass, but that was nowhere to be found.

Thus begins and ends my “higher education” in the State of Nevada.

Now if you will excuse me, I have one more question to ask my teacher.  She informed us that if we had any questions, we should feel free to contact her.

I have no idea how she is going to answer my question while serving jello shots from her butt cheeks to drunken conventioneers at the Spearmint Rhino, but apparently a college education in Las Vegas teaches you just such vocational skills.

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