ONLINE GAMBLING AND CASINO GUIDE

I just got out of the hospital, and first let me say that I very much appreciate all of the well-wishes.  I even appreciate some of the questionable-wishes, such as those opining that I had some venereal disease, and even the one person who took the time out of his day to email me a simple “I hope you die”.

I’m sure the latter was not a unique sentiment, so kudos for having the courage to say what many others were surely thinking.  And by courage, I mean “sending an unsigned email from an anonymous email account”.  It must have taken hours to work up the strength to do that.

Can you imagine Rosa Parks in 2010?

From: sweet_mama_chocolate87156@yahoo.com
To: The Montgomery Transit Authority

I’m sick and tired of your discriminatory policies, and I’m not going to take it anymore.  If you don’t let black folks sit at the front of the bus, I’m gonna post all of your email addresses on alt.sex.bestiality and post pictures of your racist drivers on 4chan!”

The Black Panthers would probably coordinate wholly via Twitter, where uprisings would be routinely thwarted by “service unavailable” and “check out our latest deals!” messages.  The 140 character limit would probably also lead to some confusion.

“We are sick and tired of the white devil keeping us down.  If you are with us, fight the power and rally at the intersection of 181st Street and M…”

“Sorry, that last message was too long.  We will be rallying at 181st Street and Market Avenue.  We are mad as hell and will not take it anymore.  Make sure you are there promptly at N…”

It’s a good thing the civil rights movement happened 50 years ago.

Anyway, I have had many inquiries into what exactly happened, so I will try to describe the sequence of events that led to my hospitalization, to the best of my recollection.

I should have known something was about to go down when I got up on Saturday morning and noticed that the national terror threat level was “yellow”.  We had only been at this level since August 12, 2005, and the specificity of this warning made the hair on my neck stand up, while simultaneously making me far more aware of my surroundings.

Until we are back down to threat level “green”, no suspicious activity is going to go unscrutinized by yours truly.  None.

Do you hear that Osama?

NONE!

With this heightened “yellow” alert in mind, I drove down Las Vegas Boulevard on Saturday night looking for anything out-of-sorts that may have posed a threat to America and its precious freedom liberty way of life.

When I got to the corner of Las Vegas Boulevard and Tropicana, I saw what the terror level was referring to.

Standing directly in front of the Excalibur Hotel, I saw a suspicious woman.  She was white, in her late 40’s, and she had on a Wisconsin Badgers sweatshirt.

“That’s odd, nobody likes Wisconsin”, I remember thinking, at which point the woman reached into her purse, and pulled out a small device about 4″ wide and 3″ tall.

I craned my neck to get a better look, and I realized what she had retrieved from her purse.  It was a camera.

Of course, this could only mean one thing.

Al-Qaeda.

I was witnessing first hand an attack unfold on American soil.

I immediately sprang into action.

While the car was still moving, I flung the passenger door open, and somersaulted to where the woman was standing.  Just as she began depressing the shutter, I tackled her, pinned her to the ground, and yelled “Not this time Saddam!”

Of course, she resisted, but I took this as further evidence of her guilt.

“Stop resisting my citizen’s arrest, or I will slap a disorderly conduct charge on your ass!”, I shouted.

I began demanding to see the photos she had taken with her camera, but she repeatedly refused.

“What do you have to hide?” I demanded.

I soon regretted asking this question, because what came next was worse than anything I could have imagined.

The camera had just been a decoy.  As I was concentrating on trying to delete her evil pictures, the woman pulled an aerosol canister out of her purse.  The can had a label that read “If you hate America’s freedoms, aim and press”.

This was it.  The weapon of mass destruction I had heard about.

Sweet mother of God!  I could not let a biological holocaust occur at the corner of LVB and Trop.

I swung with all of my might, trying to knock the can out of her hand, but I was too late.  The WMD went off directly in my face.  It smelled like the flatulence of a thousand camels, and I immediately began having visions of 42 virgins standing in line at the Apple Store waiting for the release of the iPad.  My senses were overwhelmed with pure evil, and I quickly lost consciousness.

The next thing I remember is waking up in the emergency room of UMC.  Upon gaining consciousness, the staff at the hospital erupted in applause.  They had learned of my efforts to eradicate the terror that is photography, and I was given copious amounts of intravenous morphine as a reward, while simultaneously being treated for exposure to anti-American weapons of mass destruction.

Even though I made a herculean effort to save Las Vegas, I was not completely successful.

The threat is not over.

Oh no.

No no.

Somewhere out there on the streets of Las Vegas, or possibly in a casino, a middle-aged woman is carrying a camera.

If she is not stopped, she will take another photo, and we all know what that means.

That’s right, a light-based image will be recorded onto some kind of flash storage device, and once that happens, it will be chaos.  Anarchy will reign, nations will fall, and mother nature will rise up and smite mankind with plague and disasters the likes of which we have never before seen.

May God have mercy on our souls.

As this incident has proven beyond ALL doubt … photographers are terrorists.  Every one of them.  Without exception.

As Americans, it is your patriotic duty to get out there and stop the picture-takers.  Wherever they are, you must smoke them out.  If you don’t go to them, make no mistake, they will come to you.

I’ve done all I can do, and the fate of Las Vegas, nay, the fate of mankind as we know it is now in your hands.

Go forth.  Be vigilant.  Be proud.

You’re Americans, and no dadgum camera-wielder is going to take your freedoms away.  These colors don’t run.

Anyway, I’m out of the hospital but not 100% recovered.  I’m not yet fully mobile and I’m medicated, so in the spirit of the average customer service rep, I would like to take this opportunity to remove all blame from myself proactively.

For the next week or so, if I type anything stupid, inaccurate, or non-sensical … or even if I make a typo … don’t blame me, I’m sick.  This applies retroactively to everything I have written in the last 6 years (hey, why not?).

If anything decent happens to make it online, however, that’s all me.  Empowered by the will of my lord and savior Jesus Christ, I courageously fought to overcome adversity and typed through the pain to bring online content to the masses.

One might even call me … a hero.

Your mother certainly does.

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