ONLINE GAMBLING AND CASINO GUIDE

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you are no doubt cognizant of the fact that yesterday was the official launch of the iPhone 4.0.

Of course, yours truly went over to Fashion Show Mall specifically to get pictures of the event.

Why?

Because I needed stock photos of an iPhone launch. As any regular reader is well-aware, I have an obsessive policy of only using photos that belong to me, and after looking through my stash, I realized that I didn’t have any iLaunch pictures. As someone who ridicules Apple on a frequent basis, this could not stand. At some point, I’m going to need to photoshop a crowd of Heaven’s Gate cult members standing in front of an Apple Store, and I need some kind of photographic footage to start with. Yesterday was my opportunity to get that footage.

I arrived at Fashion Show around 9:30am, and I immediately began laughing. I’m not trying to be rude, but I’m sorry, watching iPeople queue up in these kind of numbers just reminds me of what a silly animal the human really is.

I’ve been on this planet for a very, very long time. Almost 42 years. In that time, I’ve never willingly stood in line for more than 20 minutes unless I absolutely had to (bank, post office, DMV) or unless it was completely unexpected (”sorry, the ticket machine just crashed”). The iPerson mentality is something that I can only make sense of through a strict understanding of human psychology – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herd_mentality.

Don’t get me wrong, I was excited about getting my EVO (I even woke up a little early), but I didn’t pre-order it, it took me a grand total of 20 minutes in the store to get it, and I got it to replace my BlackBerry which was no longer suitable for “blogging”. Also, as excited as I have been about the Android platform, I did not get my first Android phone until June of 2010. This is not exactly what you would call early-adoption.

Sure, I get as excited about technology in general as anyone else, but it’s for highly-personal reasons. Popularity has never been an issue. I got the first wireless “internet PDA” ever sold commercially, and I was the only person, and I mean the ONLY person I knew who owned one. For the entire time that I carried that device, I never saw another Palm VII in the wild. I knew they existed, but I never made contact with the people who owned them. I never got looks of envy when I carried it either, instead, I got looks of “what a F’ing dork”.

This is somewhat different from what was going on yesterday at Fashion Show Mall. It was a 100% popularity contest. Honestly, guys, look at these pictures and ask yourselves how the folks here are “thinking different”. How can they even use the phrase without feeling like a smacked ass? They are penned up like cattle as they wait hopefully to get picked for digital dodgeball.

“But Rex, maybe they have a use for the iPhone. The 3GS is obsolete now.”

Maybe, but I doubt it.

One day last week, I forgot to turn on the 4G radio on my EVO. When I realized my mistake the next morning, I scrambled to Sprint’s website to make sure that I had not eaten through my 5GB 3G allotment, and I was relieved to see that I had “only” used 738MB of 3G data. In one day. For those of you without a calculator handy, by the end of the month, this would put me at 22GB of wireless data. 11 times what AT&T gives you per month. AT&T says that the “average iPhone user” only consumes 200MB per month, or roughly one third of what I consume in a day.

Honestly, I’m beginning to see why you iPeople don’t need real multitasking. It’s completely unnecessary for you. Most of you iPhone users out there barely do one thing, much less two or more. This is also why your battery life is so stellar. If I only pulled out my iPhone in a gay bar to impress the other men, mine would last 5 days on a single charge too.

Oh, and about that 5GB that Sprint gives me on 3G. Well, apparently that is now unlimited too with my “premium data package”. Not that I’ll use it. People who actually use their phones instead of sitting around playing with farting noise apps need a faster connection with a higher limit than AT&T offers.

Enjoy your whopping two gigs you fruitcakes. I hope the new iPhone is powerful enough to process that whopping amount of data. May I interest you in a pocket calculator that only displays two digits? I’ll slap an Apple sticker on it so people will still pay attention to you in Starbucks.

I digress. (pansies)

The morning was quite uneventful until “it” happened, and by “it”, I mean the most pathetic example of “security” I have ever seen in all of my years on this planet.

As I was getting ready to leave the mall and head back to my car, a man with his two children in-tow emerged from the Apple Store and he let out a loud “YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!”.

He did a little dance, held up his phone to the people in line, and let out a bunch of “woo-hoos” and “yeahs” that let the world know that he was excited.

Finally!

The only person on the first floor of the mall who didn’t act like a Stepford wife standing in line to get his pill.

This was the first time all day that I had seen an iPerson emote, and I thought it was brilliant. Almost everyone else in the crowd just stood with crossed arms, stoic and bored looking. I swear to god, despite their pierced lips and hipper-than-thou attitude … iPeople are a pretty boring group of metrosexuals.

This guy who came out of the store, however, was a real breath of fresh air. I enjoyed his enthusiasm. His visible elation was funny, entertaining, and if I had been a person standing in line, it would have definitely stoked my enthusiasm. I stood near the entrance to Nordstrom and watched the iGuy cheer for about 15 seconds, and when he was done, I gave him some well-earned applause. The other iPeople, however, continued to stare blankly like a deer caught in headlights. It was like they were looking around waiting for someone else to laugh, lest they be the first one.

Can you imagine … being the first one in line to laugh? Good god, think of the risk. I mean, what if no other iPerson laughed after you did? What would they think?

Seriously, sometimes I feel bad for iPeople. I really do. They’ve no idea how to react to what life throws at them unless they are given explicit instructions by a herd leader in a black turtleneck with a scavenged liver.

Read: Happy iDay Part 2 (Part 2/2)

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