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A running joke with people who know me in this town … is my frequent encounters with camera-hating security guards.

I get hassled on damn near a weekly basis for the high crime of wielding a camera, and taking pictures.

I remember visiting this town in 2000, and taking pictures of literally everything without any problems.  But, apparently, “9/11 changed everything”.  Especially common frigging sense.  9/11 utterly destroyed the collective intelligence of a nation in little more than an hour.

Case in point …

There is a new hotel/casino project being built in Las Vegas.  It is called “City Center”, and is slated to open in about a year.

Not long ago I went over to the City Center construction site in order to get some photographs.

Why?

Well, why the hell not?  It’s interesting.

Several minutes after I started snapping photos, two MGM/Mirage security guards came running toward me like their ass was on fire. I was certain that something was about to happen and these heroes were coming to bravely warn everyone nearby.

They had completely abandoned their “security hut” leaving it wide open and vacant, just to come and speak to me.

It is very hard to remember the exact conversation because I didn’t have a recording device, but this is pretty close to what went down. I apologize for its length, but the guy had quite a bit to say:

Security: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Huh?”
Security: “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?”
Me: “Talking to you.”
Security: “What were you doing with that camera?”
Me: “Making sweet love to it.” (ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer)
Security: “We have gotten several complaints from Monte Carlo guests that you are making them nervous.”
Me: “What do you expect from people who stay at the Monte Carlo?”
Security: “Don’t be a smartass!”
Me: “Okay, what can I do for you?”
Security: “I want that camera.”
Me: “Buy your own.”
Security: “You will show me the pictures you took, and you will delete them.”
Me: “I’d rather not.”
Security: “This is private property.”
Me: “Are you sure? It looks like a public sidewalk.”
Security: “Yes I am sure, MGM owns this sidewalk.” (not sure if he was right or not, at this point we were standing in the street … but it’s irrelevant … all he can do is order me to leave, which I would have done)
Me: “Are you asking me to leave?”
Security: “Not before you give me that camera.”
Me: “Do you have a warrant for my camera?”
Security: “Do you want me to get one?”
Me: “Not really, I kind of like this camera.”
Security: “Why were you taking pictures of this construction?”
Me: “Because I want to post it on the web.”
Security: “MGM doesn’t want it on the web.”
Me: “Britney didn’t want her snatch on the web … worked for her …”
His partner had to turn away because he was trying unsuccessfully to suppress a chuckle
Security: (stressing his voice) “Don’t … be … a … smartass!!! How do I know you are not a terrorist?”
Me: “How do I know you are not a serial killer?”
Stunned silence for what seemed like forever
Security: “I need you to delete the pictures you took.”
I was ready to go, so I pressed a couple of buttons on the back of the camera, which was off. This deleted nothing, but the guy started to lighten up here.
Me: “Ok, done.”
Security: “I need to verify that all the pictures have been deleted.”
Me: “Nah … no offense, but I can’t give you the camera. I’m sure you understand.”
Security: “Look, we can’t have people obviously taking pictures of this construction.”
Me: “It’s visible from everywhere.”
Security: “I know, but management says that we can’t let people be obvious about photographing it.”
Me: “Thousands of hotel rooms have much better views than I have from the street.”
Security: “I know that, and if you go across the street to the second floor of Gameworks you will get better pictures than you can get here. I just need you to take them away from where I can see you because I am expected to do something.” (He gave me tips to get better forbidden pictures)
Me: “Okay, I’ll go there next time.”
Security: “I understand that there is interest in photographing this construction, I find it interesting myself, I have to go through this every day with photographers.”
Me: “Why do you bother?”
Security: “They make me.”
Me: “Did any guests of the hotel really call you?”
Security: “They call down all the time when they see people photographing the construction.”
Me: “You mean the construction they see openly from their rooms?”
Security: “Believe it or not … yes.”
Me: “Well, someone with a camera at a tourist destination is pretty suspicious.”
Security: (chuckles) “I know, but I have to do my job.”
Me: “I understand.”

We shook hands, and I was on my way.

What is my point in all of this?

There are two.

1. Nobody can force you to delete pictures without a court order
2. Security in Las Vegas has gotten out of control

These days, security has nothing to do with actual “security”, it is about the illusion of security. It’s opium for the masses. Harassing average people doing average things makes one look diligent, and the assumption is that since everyone is being harassed, certainly the evildoers will be caught in this wide net.

Wouldn’t a real evildoer simply rent a room in the Monte Carlo with a 3ccd camera with a 1,000,000x zoom and snap pictures to his/her heart’s content?

What would they do with the photos they took anyway?

I’m pretty sure that City Center isn’t being built with some kind of super-secret kryptonite material. It’s probably being built with the same material that everything else is built with. Wooooooo mysterious! Steel and concrete are being used to build a building … holy shit … if the Soviets get a hold of this information, then world domination will soon follow. They’ve been building their stuff with toothpicks and silly putty all this time. Those wacky pinko commies.

False security is worse than no security, and if you feel better because you don’t see people taking pictures in Las Vegas, then you are a complete idiot. You are wasting oxygen that a competent dog could be breathing.

The whole “a camera is a security threat” thing is simply asinine.

If people are that scared, I wish they would stay home and let the rest of us get on with life.

If the evil-doers get me, then they get me. It was my time and I had a good run.

On the list of real threats that face me on a daily basis, “terrorist attack” is waaaay down on the list, somewhere around “being struck by lightning while simultaneously having my testicles ripped off by a pit bull while eating a Big Mac during a full moon after being hit by an SUV driving soccermom”.

I don’t want to live a life where I shit my pants and tremble with fear every time someone pulls out a hand held camera at a tourist destination. Just shoot me already and get it over with quickly instead of slowly tormenting me for another 20 years with a life of pathological delusions about camera-wielding bogeymen.

Please … if you think that someone in Las Vegas with a camera might scare you by taking pictures, then do everyone a favor and stay home in your lead-lined basement monitoring the pretty-colored threat level while popping Valium from a Pez dispenser. Why bother taking the massive risk by coming to Las Vegas?

Please just let the rest of us live our lives until the evildoers take us out.

Then you can point, laugh, and shout “I told you so” as your quivering hands holding the binoculars scan the horizon once again for that shady looking lady you saw going into Pottery Barn that you are convinced is the demonic lovechild of Satan and Bin Laden.

I mean, it must be her … the bone structure is simply unmistakable.

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