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Yes, I said it … Merry Christmas.

Not “Happy Holidays” or “Happenin’ Hunnakuh” or “Kickass Kwanzaa” or whatever the hell we are supposed to say these days.

Someone, turn me into the politically correct police because I just engaged in hate speech.

Personally, I am a-religious. Technically I am not an atheist … but more along the lines of agnostic who is wholly unconcerned about the matter. I don’t believe or disbelieve anything. Could Jesus be God? Sure. So could a grapefruit. Or the homeless man on the corner. Was Jesus born on December 25th in order to save the world from sin? Probably not, but maybe.

Frankly, I’m not sure why it matters.

If you don’t harm anyone, help people in need when you reasonably can, and do the right thing when it is possible … then it should be of no consequence if you worship the bearded guy, the fat guy, or the eight-armed guy with a dot on his head.

If despite being a good person, your deity sends you to hell anyway, then he wasn’t worth worshipping in the first place. Your worship should be completely voluntary, and nobody should rule by fear. Except the government, which does a wonderful job at doing exactly that.

“Love me or burn in a fiery pit for eternity!” seems to be coerced affection. I mean, I might have really liked you until you threatened me with the whole eternal damnation thing, at which point, I don’t want to be friends anymore.

Therefore, it should come as no great surprise that I do not celebrate Christmas. At least not in the traditional way. I don’t exchange gifts on a specific day. I give gifts when I feel like giving them, and usually receive them in the same manner. Someone bought me a BlackBerry case on October 18th because they knew I wanted one. Another person gave me a knit hat on December 12th because it was getting very cold. I was happy on both occasions.

I’ve never said, “No, no, you’ve ruined everything! Wait until December 25th.”

Why would I?

I distribute things throughout the year in a similar manner. Someone wants a video game, I buy the video game when I am able.

It works unbelievably well. No lines, no hassles, no debt … just get it when you can.

You really want to surprise someone?

Out of the blue, get them something really cool on April 18th for no reason whatsoever.

The fact that there are no expectations on April 18th, makes the surprise so much greater. And believe me when I tell you … people are no less grateful.

That being said, in the eyes of most of the world, my system makes me a heartless asshole … but I’ve learned to live with that label.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t “celebrate” Christmas at all.

If the rest of you are going to run around putting up trees and making light shows … I’m not going to waste all of your efforts just because I don’t care about your particular “meaning of life” theory.

I don’t care WHY you make cool stuff this time of year, I just dig the fact that, for whatever reason, people do make unique things for the world to see this time of year. I don’t have to care about an artist’s political views to like his art.

This is exactly how I view Christmas festivities. It is cultural art. It is an art that I appreciate.

Gigantic trees, colorful lights, shiny ornaments, silly music, abstract wrapping paper, fat guys in weird hats, flying reindeer … I mean, what’s not to love about Christmas art?

It’s frigging cool.

It’s like taking three hits of mescaline without the nasty side effects.

I dig this time of year as much as the next person, for purely aesthetic reasons.

Everyone has their favorite spots to go on Christmas Eve, and since moving to Las Vegas, our own little tradition has been to hang out on Fremont Street the night before Christmas. Downtown is just more “Christmasy” than The Strip.

So … Downtown is exactly where we headed.

There was a nice sized crowd on Fremont Street, and there were scores of families stopping to have their picture taken in front of the humongous Christmas Tree.

Of course, the main event that we go specifically to see is always the Christmas Light Show, and last night was no different. I taped one of the shows for you. Please excuse the water drop on the lens, but it was actually raining last night.

After the show, we dropped by the Golden Gate Casino for their famous $1.99 shrimp cocktails, and walked up and down Fremont Street taking in the sights and sounds.

I spotted a very festively-dressed dealer at Binions, and I stopped to play a few hands of Christmas Blackjack with her. She had very nice Christmas boobs which gave me my own personal yule log. I made a little over twenty bucks in a little under ten minutes with this young lady.

Of course, what is Christmas without completely inappropriate food? While I was trying to make a couple of bucks, those with me decided to consume fried twinkies and oreos.

That’s right, while families across the nation were snuggled around fireplaces and trading Wii games and sweaters … I was gambling the holiday cash away, while staring at tits, while eating cheap food, while watching Santa fly directly over my head on a massive illuminated screen.

You guys can have your traditions … I prefer mine.

Afterward, we headed back home down the Boulevard.

Southbound traffic was very heavy, but the sidewalks themselves were empty.

Truth be told, there was very little going on to indicate that it was Christmas. No Caesars’ Christmas Tree this year, no ice rink, nothing hanging from the light poles … it could have been any other night. That’s why I typically prefer Downtown this time of year. They do try.

All in all, it’s been a very fine Vegas Christmas.

Whatever you celebrate this time of year, I hope you have a safe and happy time doing it.

All the best.

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