ONLINE GAMBLING AND CASINO GUIDE

This used to be the motto of the U.S. Postal Service, a quasi-government service which has long since been turned into nothing more than an advertising agency.

I check my postal mail twice a month, and the number of mail that is specifically addressed to me is the same every month. Three. They are utility bills.

The only reason I check my mail twice a month instead of once a month, is so that they will continue delivering my mail.

Last year, I went to a “check once a month” schedule and the postal service formally notified me that they would cease service to me.

I am not joking. I got a notice which said “The U.S. Postal Service Will No Longer Deliver Mail To Your Address”. I had to go to the local office to find out why. When I arrived, they placed a huge bucket in front of me, and said “This is your mail, and it doesn’t fit in your mailbox.”

“That’s not my mail”, I said, “They don’t have my name on them. That’s your marketing shit.”

They told me that if I didn’t check their spam more often, that delivery would be suspended permanently. This actually sounded like a great idea to me, and I considered taking them up on their offer, but I just have to get my Nevada Power bill every month.

The clerk told me that they would not resume delivery until I took the pile of shit she placed in front of me … so I did.

Without looking at any of it, I scooped the mound up, and immediately dumped it into the giant trashcan next to the line, and walked out.

True to their word, their piles of “20% off Donkey Sperm” fliers began appearing in my mailbox the next day.

But I digress …

I’m not writing a post about the Postal Service, I am writing a post about the individuals that put them to shame.

Namely … porn slappers.

Everyone who has ever been to Las Vegas is familiar with our world famous porn slappers.

They are the little Mexican guys (usually) who line the sidewalks handing out prostitution pamphlets and cards to anyone who will accept them.

These guys are as reliable as a Swiss watch, and the junk you get from them has pictures of naked chicks on it. What’s not to like?

What impresses me about these guys, is their dedication. It doesn’t matter if it is 112 degrees, 29 degrees, windy, rainy, or snow … these guys are omnipresent.

If a nuclear war were ever to take place, there would be two things left standing.

Cockroaches and porn slappers.

You cannot get rid of these guys.

It doesn’t matter if I am walking down The Strip with my kids, my mother, or the Queen of England … these guys will extend a printed blowjob invitation to me.

One question that has always plagued me is this … why do they “slap” the porn?

It seems unnecessary.

I’ve never heard someone say “Well, I wasn’t really in the mood for intercourse, but after I hard that SMACK sound, I suddenly got horny.”

On second thought, there is this chick named Karen who would probably say exactly that, but that’s a different post.

My point is, I don’t understand why they need to violently punish the material before handing it to me. There is no need to beat the porn. It doesn’t change my mind. I either want a hot college slut, or I don’t.

Nonetheless, for whatever reason, they are instructed to “slap” the pamphlets before handing them to you.

Can you image one of these guys getting called into the bosses office:

“Hector, it’s been brought to our attention that you are still not slapping the pornography loudly enough. Pretend that you are Ike, and the porn is Tina. Start slapping that porn harder, or we’ll send you to take that job as the CEO of Harrah’s.”

“No, no, I’ll start spanking that porn boss, please don’t make me work for Harrah’s!”

The slappers seem to like the job, because they do it with a veracity that you won’t find in any other occupation.

The porn slappers are not without their critics, though.

Some people are intimidated by them. These little bastards can be overly aggressive. They have been known to verbally abuse those who refuse the porn, and I’ve actually been witnessed to a half dozen or so altercations among tourists and porn slappers.

They often reek of alcohol, and they are not always friendly people. Also, if you insult one porn slapper, all porn slappers in the immediate vicinity will descend upon you like a street gang of colorfully-dressed midgets and start yelling and screaming in Spanish.

This can be an unpleasant experience for visiting tourists, and it can make people feel unsafe.

Also, the vast majority of the porn ends up on the street or sidewalk, and comprises a large amount of our litter problem.

Some people take the porn so as not to annoy the “Colorful Crips” and then immediately drop it on the ground when they put some distance between themselves and the slappers.

Again, this is problematic when the sidewalk is wallpapered with “Barely Legal Ass” at 4am on a Sunday morning.

Personally, I have no MORAL objection to porn slappers. In my opinion, prostitution should be legal, and they should be able to advertise like any other business. I also don’t find their material offensive in the slightest. In case of emergency, the slapped porn works wonderfully when you absolutely must rub one out, but higher quality material is not available.

I’m not sure I agree with the particular method of sidewalk slapping, though.

I dislike being whacked in the arm or chest with the material, as does occasionally happen with the more aggressive slappers. It doesn’t hurt, but it seems inappropriate to poke and whack strangers with small magazines.

Commandeering entire blocks of sidewalks and littering mercilessly is not something that I wholeheartedly support.

The slappers absolutely do impede foot traffic, harass passersby, and the cleanup cost of their tons of discarded “literature” cannot be inexpensive.

Buy a billboard, set up a website, purchase rack space in a populated area, buy an ad in the Las Vegas Weekly … and I’ll take a look at what you are selling and will make a decision. If you are on your own property, or are not impeding me in any way, then by all means, I think you should be able to say what you want with NO restrictions.

However, if you stick the same material in my face block after block on a public sidewalk while causing pedestrian bottlenecks … then in my opinion, you’re just a human spammer.

This type of guerilla marketing seems extreme, and contrary to common sense as to what one should expect and accept on public sidewalks.

For once, however, it is not the city’s fault.

They have tried to ban this practice, but have been defeated in court.

In 2006, the ACLU sued Las Vegas City over an ordinance banning porn slappers, but the ordinance was overturned by the Ninth Circuit Court on First Amendment grounds.

The reasoning of the judge was that the ordinance targeted content, and not behavior. If you banned porn slappers because you didn’t like their content, then you could also ban Jehova’s Witnesses, and anyone else from distributing their material.

It is hard to argue with the judge’s reasoning. It’s a slippery slope, and it’s probably better to put up with some inconvenience to keep the government out of your life.

What I don’t understand is how the same City of Las Vegas uses existing loitering and littering laws to eradicate homeless people from public parks, and why they shoot people on The Strip for playing their stereos too loud.

This town rarely makes logical sense.

Love them or hate them, porn slappers are here to stay, and by most measures, they really are the hardest working people in Las Vegas.

Now where did I put that flier that I got today … I feel one of those “emergencies” coming on …

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