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I’ve got a great idea for a movie.

A few guys drive to Las Vegas, and once in town, they proceed to get into some hijinks.  Most of the issues revolve around a bachelor party, over-indulgence of alcohol, a quickie wedding, strippers, and of course, gambling.

I like this idea because it has never, ever been done before.

Were someone to make a movie or TV show portraying Las Vegas in this manner, not only would they be a comic genius of magnanimous proportions, but they would also be the originators of an entire genre.  Trend-setters if you will.  Of course, going out on a limb like this would be a risky proposition, but I have faith that there are some people left in Hollywood who actually have original ideas.

Or maybe not.

This week was an unusual week for me in the sense that I have heard more movie talk than I ever have before.  From the Bill’s table mentioned in a previous post, to the MGM Grand Poker room, to a poolside chair at the Palms, over the last five or so days I have been bombarded with talks of a Vegas film that has been out for a few weeks.

“Hey man, did you see the movie Hangover?”

I must have been asked this question at least ten times, and the answer was always “no”.

I’m not a big watcher of movies that don’t have at least one decent girl-on-girl scene, but given the word-of-mouth hype this particular picture was getting, I could not help but feel the slightest bit of curiosity as to what all the fuss was about.

This had to be remedied, and so last night I finally saw the comic masterpiece that has become a hot-topic at gaming tables city wide.

So, how was it?

For 90 minutes, I felt like I was watching the wet-dream of the Las Vegas Convention & Visitor’s Authority.  The movie was an extended advertisement for the Las Vegas of mythology.  It reinforced every nonsensical and false stereotype about the city, and it did so without even a cursory nod to reality.

A few examples if you will indulge me:

The protagonists of the film steal a Las Vegas police car.  This is grand theft auto and is a felony.  When the characters are caught, they talk their way out of being jailed.

While this may seem unrealistic, there is a perfectly good explanation.  You see, the characters taunt the police for losing their car (and the Vegas cops sheepishly agree), at which point the law enforcement officers agree to set them free on one condition … the perpetrators must consent to let elementary school students shoot them with Taser guns.  Once they get zapped, our heroes are free to go.

• As a resident of Las Vegas, I can verify that this happens all the time.

The characters stroll into an emergency room and question a doctor while he is examining another patient.  The doctor actually finds this perfectly normal, and security is never called.

• And to think … all this time, I have been waiting for my name to be called in the ER like an idiot.

One of the characters marries a stripper, who is of course, a pretty blonde with a kind heart and only wants what is best for the guy she has known for only 12 hours.  She even helps his buddies win money.

• This is actually factual because all of our strippers and escorts are generous, sweet, and they are intimately concerned about your well-being.  Every one of them.  As a matter of fact, a stripper is changing the oil in my car as I speak.  I just didn’t feel like doing it myself, so I went over to Olympic Garden and asked the first girl I could find.

You can push your car from the airport tunnel to the suburbs with a live tiger in the backseat without impeding traffic or drawing any attention whatsoever.

• I did this last week with a rhinoceros, and it’s easier than it looks.  Two strippers and a bumbling Vegas cop even got out and helped me.

You can bring a live tiger into Caesars Palace without drawing any attention.

• Just tell them it’s for Siegfried, and make sure you are carrying a few tubes K-Y.

You can get hit in the head and face with a tire iron (after being tazed, drugged, and involved in multiple car accidents), and go about your day as normal.

• Chuck Norris has proven that this can be done on multiple occasions.

When a gay Asian dude tells you to “meet him in the Mojave desert at dawn” without directions of any kind … even though the Mojave Desert is 25,000 square miles in area … you know exactly where to go.

• Again, this is plausible.  When I meet gay Asian dudes in the desert, I always find them as long as I go to the area with lots of sand.

There are 5 hot thong-wearing women for ever male in the Caesars Palace pool.

• OH COME ON! This is the most ridiculous fallacy of them all!

You can turn $10,000 into $80,000 at the Riviera in a very short period of time after reading a Blackjack strategy book.  Not only that, but you can do this while flipping off the security cameras.

• Well, it is the Riviera.  I wouldn’t rule anything out.

If you leave a dude on the Caesars Palace rooftop in high-heat for 48 hours without food or water, all he will suffer is a sunburn.  He will not be dehydrated, nor will he have soiled himself.  Rather, he will be eagerly ready to attend a wedding.

Oh … even though he is not tied up or restrained in any way, he will not have bothered to move from the same position.  Except to throw a mattress off the roof.

• Now I know what happened to Jamie.

According the movie “The Hangover”, a hangover only lasts about 2 minutes, at which point it more or less disappears and you are perfectly functional.  This is true even if your booze was spiked with a drug the above mentioned ER doctor calls “Roofylin” (and later refers to as “roofies”).

• I’m not sure why they could not have gotten this one straight.  The high-potency benzodiazepine drug to which they are referring is called Flunitrazepam, and is marketed under the name Rohypnol.  I suppose “Roffylin” just sounds more Vegas-y, although I’ve no idea why.

Okay, I could go on and on and on and on and on but I think you get the gist.  Not one, single, solitary minute went by in which something completely impossible did not happen.

Last but certainly not least, both the phrase “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas”, and
“Vegas, Baby!” were used in the first 10 minutes of the movie.  This made me immediately hate the characters, and wish for their sudden and painful death.

All told.  This was not a movie per-se.  This was a very long advertisement.  You will never have a Vegas vacation like this.  Ever.  Ever.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … I personally wish Hollywood would stop making Vegas pictures.  The only thing they do is dumb-down our tourists and give them new douche catch-phrases and unrealistic expectations.

“Come on Rex, it’s only a movie.  Get the stick out of your ass.”

Fair enough, I just think that there is enough humor in realistic Vegas situations, and I wish someone with money would make such a film.

For instance, if the characters had tried to pull the “$20 trick”, and the clerk had said “Oooooh, well since you sandwiched the bill between your credit card and license, we’ll give you a room.  The guys before you were less discrete so we took them out back and shot them.”

I would have chuckled because it took a shot at a real-life scenario.

I’m not a huge slapstick or physical comedy person.  I’ve never found drunkenness, injury, a pie in the face, or a knee to the groin particularly amusing.

Even though most people would consider me quite low-brow, I actually prefer slightly more subtle humor that takes aim at political correctness, pokes fun at established social mores, exposes idiocy, and vocalizes the weird thoughts that most people have on a daily basis.

All of that being said, I think the directors and producers made a good-faith effort to entertain their audience with a fantasy/comedy/advertisement.  I understand why the Middle-American mainstream likes it.  It’s a silly escape for a couple of hours, and you don’t have to spend any mental horsepower parsing jokes.  It’s one in-your-face sketch after another, and it’s a fast-paced, cliche’d, Vegas promotional piece.

I did like the fact that they did not take too many liberties with geography, and the Mike Tyson appearances were slightly amusing, though ironic cameos are starting to wear a bit thin.

Even though I personally rolled my eyes through out the flick, I can appreciate the lengths the producers went through to appeal to the masses, and I would recommend it to most  people.  I think they pinned the status-quo humor segment fairly well, which probably explains its appeal.

Even though I spent the movie rolling my eyes, I’m glad I saw it, because at least I know what in the hell people are talking about now.  I don’t know if I agree with the hype, but I’ve seen worse.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go and get a speeding ticket dropped.

Apparently, the LVMPD has a new policy.  If you walk into a station and allow them to remove the hair from your scrotum with a piece of course sandpaper, all pending charges against you will be summarily expunged.

I find this policy to be just, fair, and entirely plausible.

Why is it plausible?

Because this is VEGAS, BABY!!! Yeeeaaaaaaaah!  I’m going to win me eight hundy playing Blackjack while doing Jager shots and lines of flake off a hooker’s ass!  Big Daddy’s gonna get comped because that’s how I roll in the V!!!

What happens in Vegas, stays oh somebody please just f***ing shoot me already.

I just can’t do it.

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