How To Spend Your Bachelor Weekend in Las Vegas (25 Do's and Don'ts)

How To Spend Your Bachelor Weekend in Las Vegas (25 Do's and Don'ts)

Tuesday, Mar 2, 2010 | By CasinoGuide

Since women and booze are the traditional ways to spend your final days as a bachelor in Vegas, being commissioned to come up with 25 DIFFERENT ways to do this is not the easiest thing in the world to do.

 

Hell, you could even do the "booze" part with your soon-to-be wife, so the only real reason bachelor weekends exist is to get some sticky on your icky.

There are only so many ways to say "get drunk and bang chicks" in a manner which is not completely repetitive, so you'll have to bear with me here as I try to figure out some original ideas.

So ... in that "fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants" spirit, the following is a list of final things to do in Las Vegas when you have finally found that perfect feminist who is willing to hyphenate her name for you.

1.Visit a Strip Club

I can hear it now, "Thank you Captain Obvious!". Well, you're wrong. Visiting a Las Vegas strip club for a bachelor party is a completely unique idea which nobody has ever thought of except for me. From now on, anyone who uses a strip club for such purposes is doing so solely at my direction. That's my position and I'm sticking to it.

2. Gamble in a Party Pit

It's like a strip club, only with gambling. And without lapdances. And without nudity. Okay, it's nothing like a strip club, but it's still pretty fun.

3. T&A Show

These are like well-choreographed strip club routines without the touching. They have the bone factor without the sleaze factor. Vegas T&A shows are the safest way to enjoy female nudity without any risk of the exchange of bodily fluids.

4. Escort Girls Direct To You!

These girls "escort" you to restaurants, nightclubs, and gaming tables ... and nothing else! Still, who wants to dine alone? Hire an escort, and eat the night away.

5. Rent a Limo

You've no doubt seen limos running up and down The Strip with tourists' heads sticking out of the sunroof screaming "Vegas, Baby!" or some variation thereof. This could be you. I suppose. The limo thing seems to be more popular with Bachelorettes, but let's face it, thanks to feminism, metrosexuality, sensitivity training, and Apple computers ... the line between the genders narrows more with each passing year. Might as well get yours.

6. Play Porn Card Games

Card games with porn trading cards are more possible than you think. I've invented a few myself. For instance, "Do you have an Asian chick?" Go fish. You can have a variation whereas the more attractive girls are worth more points, and the "mature women" are Jokers. Creativity here is key.

7. Steal Mike Tyson's Tiger

Take it through the airport tunnel, have simulated sex with it, and otherwise just abuse the hell out of it.

Make sure you videotape your hijinx and watch the tape with Mike. He'll think it's hilarious. Trust me.

8. Happy Endings

The biggest bang for your buck, so to speak. A one hour massage costs about the same as three lapdances (without a cover charge), and instead of having your zipper relentlessly smashed into your wiener, you get a massage. If you know what I mean.

9. Marry a Stripper

Face it, the little lady back home is a shrew. "Blah blah blah equality". "Blah blah blah me me me". Ditch the bitch. Las Vegas is full of strippers with hearts of gold. They cook, they are sweet, and they take their clothes off for money so that you don't have to get a job. What more could you want in a spouse?

10. Gamble All of Your Money Away

The less money you have, the less it will hurt to lose half. Liquidate your assets, and piss it all away. If your fiance is mad when you get home, then she just wanted you for your money anyway. When she leaves you at the alter, get a ride back to Vegas and marry a stripper with a heart of gold.

11. Go To a Pahrump Brothel

Instead of paying for lapdances, pay for intercourse. In a recent survey, 4 out of 5 bachelors surveyed recommended intercourse over humping the inside of their own jeans. Pahrump is only an hour away, and all Nevada ho's are STD free.

12. In-Room Porn Channels

Given the abundant use of laptops, it still amazes me that Vegas hotel rooms offer porn, and that people pay for it. Meager choices, no ability to pause, fast-forward, or rewind to the money shot. In-room Wi-Fi would be a far better investment (someone told me there was porn on the Internet). That being said, there's still something decidedly retro about buying in-room porn. Since it will probably soon be gone (like boobs on the iPhone), take the opportunity on your next trip to rent a porn flick. For some extra fun during check-out, in your loudest voice, ask the desk clerk how much you were charged for "Naughty Barnyard Animals Part 5".

13. Bury a Hooker in the Desert

No reason. It just sounds cool.

14. The Blue Moon

If you are a male born after 1975, it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that you're gay (and most of this list will be useless for you). Sure, you're getting married, but how else are you and your lesbian-chic wife with a hyphenated name going to convince your parents to quit pressuring you into finding a wife? The Blue Moon Hotel is the perfect place in Vegas for iPhone users to congregate and express their love for Steve Jobs and man-on-man sodomy.

15. Get the Clap

Bring home a venereal disease, and give it to your bride-to-be. It may seem cruel at first, but after a year, this one act will be the most satisfying thing you have ever done.

16. Off Yourself

It's all the rage here. People who die while visiting Las Vegas are twice as likely to die by suicide than people who visit elsewhere; and visitors to Las Vegas face an even higher suicide risk than residents of Las Vegas. Before offing yourself, though, be sure to place one last call to your bride-to-be to inform her that, yes, her ass does look fat in a wedding dress.

17. Steal a Police Car

Believe it or not, this is easier than you may think. According to Hollywood (which is never wrong), you can drive up and down Las Vegas Boulevard in a stolen police car for roughly 24 hours without getting caught. Seriously, the cops don't bother looking for it. When they eventually arrest you in a hilarious manner, you'll be sent on your way after allowing a child to shoot you with a Taser.

18. The Green Door

The Green Door is a Vegas institution. It's a sex club where people congregate to, um, have sex. Since you are getting married, this will be the last time you will have sex. Unless you hire a really hot nanny.

19. Hire a Really Hot Nanny

Most of our faux-rich residents are now upside-down on their homes, which means that hot nannies have flocked to stripper poles in droves. Just because you don't find the spouse of your dreams at the local nudie bar doesn't mean that you can't take her home. Think of the children.

20. Drink

I hesitate to add this one since you will be doing so much of this later to drown your sorrows, but the booze flows freely here, and it's a good place to hone your skills.

21. Sleep In

When your wife has a career and children, society will regard her as "Super Woman". When you have a career and children, society will still regard you as a lazy asshole.

Now get up and mow the lawn.

Asshole.

22. Visit a Nightclub

In my opinion, nightclubs are asinine. You spend hundreds of dollars and several hours trying to persuade strange women to bang you. In my opinion, doing this means that you have to have your self-esteem validated. Secure men have no problem with paying for sex. It's faster, easier, cheaper, and they don't have to strut around like peacocks, by talking about their occupation or pretending to know how to dance.

If you are engaged to marry an ©"Independent American Woman", however, this may very well be the last time your ego is ever validated. In a few days, you are going to be emasculated, browbeat into submission, and all that is wrong with the world will be blamed on you.

For this reason, a trip to a nightclub on this one weekend can be forgiven.

23. Rent an Expensive Vehicle

Sure, the Dodge Minivan is parked back home in the airport long-term parking, but who has to know? Regardless of what you have been taught in mandatory sensitivity training, most women are still as shallow as the day is long in direct proportion to their age. Therefore, the younger the chick you want to torpedo, the better the bait you should use. There are numerous businesses around Las Vegas that will rent you the "exotic" car of your dreams. While these are perfect for bachelor's weekends, they will also work in a pinch for a mid-life crisis.

24. Visit Rehab or an "Adult" Pool

Unless you have money, and a lot of it ... or you are VegasRex ... you have no chance with the 20-somethings running around the Hard Rock Pool with no clothes on. This doesn't mean that you can't enjoy the scenery, though.

25. Get Arrested

If you get arrested, you'll have a hard time finding a job. This means that your wife-to-be will have to support you. This means that when she leaves you for being a lazy ass, YOU get half of her shit.

(Bonus) 26. Two Chicks, No Cups

Escorts/strippers/ho's are like potato chips. You can't just eat one. Scratch that, for the sake of your own health you should never eat any of the above, but there is no good reason that you can't pay the potato chips to eat each other. Food for thought.

 

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